The Toni Polster Effect

Amongst the hype surrounding Santos and Brazil's striker Neymar and the reported £40m bids that his club have received for him was the frankly amazing rumour that one club only offered the money on the condition that he must first cut his hair before the deal is done...that got me thinking, why is it that so many footballers have terrible hair, some call this phenomena 'League 2 Haircut Syndrome' but I prefer to attach it to a player (much like the Bosman Ruling), so to me it is known as the 'Toni Polster Effect'.

For those of you who don't know, Polster was an Austrian striker from 1982-2000, and is Austria's all time leading goalscorer.  However, more importantly than that, he was the proud owner of an original Permullet...not content with sporting one classic 80's look, he was the original purveyor of fashion in football...

Obviously, big Toni wasn't the first man to be caught on a football pitch, and he most certainly wasn't the last...so lets have run down of the top 6 hair cuts which have done the rounds;

Bobby Charlton - Hell of a player, but the comb over was...was...was...well words don't do it justice.

Chris Waddle - Not the most majestic of player, but still one of the best of his generation...and with this classic business at the front, party at the back mullet a style icon to boot.

Jason Lee - much maligned striker, mainly by Baddiel and Skinner on Fantasy Football.  'He's got a pineapple on his head, he's got a pineapple on his head, he's got a pineapple on his head, he's got a pineapple on his head.'

Taribo West - played for some of the top clubs in Europe despite looking like he'd stolen a 4 year old girls scalp.

Abel Xavier - mental, fantastic hair and not a bad player when he wanted to be, just a shame about some 'incidents' in his career.

Rigobert Song - same meat, different gravy as Xavier...he is living proof not to criticise Jamie Carragher's defending though..."Song walked on to the training pitch with a smile on his face. He was limping off it with a grimace an hour later. The first chance I got, I did him. Never have I hunted down a 50–50 tackle with greater appetite. 'You're not fucking laughing now, are you, you soft cunt?' I said as he hobbled away."

Now, I can hear some of you asking "What about Baggio?" ...but in my book, that hairstyle was a classic, a trademark and the source of the great mans powers.  It still makes remember 'that penalty' when I see an eastern European sporting a Rat Tail mullet, and it also makes me smile!

Transfer Rumours or Greedy Player

Like most football fans, I generally enjoy the majority of the transfer window (despite the fact that we've sold our best player every transfer window for the last 5...go on Francois, make it 6 in a row!).  The football365 daily transfer blog keeps me entertained periodically through the day (especially on deadline day - epic), mainly for the regular digs at Sky Sports News and their shouted 'Breaking News' stories - hmmm perhaps that should be "stories" - but also for the constant stream of rumour and completed deals.

However, what does truly annoy me is the agents who constantly peddle their b*llsh*t for no other reason than to get them more money...sure they tell us they're looking out for their players best interest, but who really believes that.  Case and point, Joe Garner.  Coming of the back of an outstanding 2007/2008 season for Carlisle United in which despite being a raw, and sometimes 'overenthusiastic' approach to playing football, Joey Garner was a hero for the United fans and it was him who many saw as the key to pushing on from losing in the play-off semi-final and gaining promotion to the Championship.  However, late in July of 2008 it was leaked to Nottingham Forest that he had a minimum release fee of around £1.1million...sure enough a few days later Joe Garner was a Forest player (but Carlisle went on to sign Michael Bridges as a replacement, so we didn't care).

Now I don't bring this up because its still raw (I almost definitely don't still talk about how good Joey was for us), but because this morning the Sunday Times reported that Raul Meireles had been put on the transfer list by Liverpool over a contract dispute.  I mean, seriously, the man was absolutely outstanding this season for Liverpool, while most players take a time to adjust to the pace and pressure of the English game, even without pre-season with the team, he looked just about the most accomplished player in an under performing team.

When Meireles signed for Liverpool he did so on a relatively low wage, so now he has allegedly asked the owners for a contract that matches his value to the team...to which the response is to have supposedly transfer listed him.  Now to me this stinks of agents getting involved, it wouldn't surprise me if they had leaked a story to the paper to try an help contract negotiations along, and to be honest I bet everyone else is thinking the same thing.  Obviously, this could legitimately be the player being greedy and the club refusing to be held to ransom...but I think some of the recent transfer dealings at Liverpool would suggest they can afford to pay the PFA Fans Player of the year a little bit more...and when he can do this maybe they should.

...not all agents are bad people, and there are probably a number who aren't greedy sh*tmongers who are just looking to exploit people more talented than themselves and I have even researched becoming an agent (FYI basically it costs £250 and you do one exam)  but unfortunately we don't know about the nice ones.

To that end I hereby promise that should I become a football agent I will look after the players, set up a charity with the players and generally be an all round nice guy (and publicise it so that people know about it!).

The 'Football Italia' Genertation

There no doubting that the Italian league has seen some exceptional talent grace its pitches, Maradona, Platini, Zoff, Baresi, Van Basten, the list goes on.  For me though, the peak of the Serie A era has to be those heady mid-nineties Sunday afternoons watching Football Italia on channel 4.  Fronted by James Richardson and with the dulcet tones of Peter Brackley guiding you through the games, this was Sunday afternoon viewing before the Sky Sports revolution came to my house.

Even now, rolling off the names of the marquee players brings a smile and shouts of approval when discussing the classic era in the pub.  Players like Gabriel Batistuta, Manuel Rui Costa, Luis Oliveira, Atillio Lombardo, Sinisa Mijajlovic (possibly the greatest left foot of the era), Marecelo Salas, Ivan Zamorano (the man with the 1+8 shirt when Ronaldo joined Inter), Ronaldo, Roberto Mancini, Angelo Peruzzi, Zinedine Zidane.  Every Sunday afternoon the provided technique, flair and skill in what was, at the time, arguably the best league in the world.  At the time, to draw an Italian team in the Champions League was something you'd try to avoid at all cost.

The show and its Saturday morning highlights package 'Gazzetta' began to falter in viewing figures, channel 4 first reacted by moving 'Gazetta' to the early hours before eventually dropping the show completely in the 02/03 season.

Along with dwindling viewing figures, the talent pool in the Italian league also began to take a hit.  No longer where the top teams a force in the European games, and no longer where the biggest names in world football gracing the pitches up and down the boot shaped country.  Fiorentina's bankruptcy and the match-fixing scandal which rocked the football world also took its toll as the balance of power shifted to the Premier League and La Liga.

There did remain a key core of players with obvious quality who steadied the ship during these dark years, Del Piero, Maldini, Nedved, Buffon, Zanetti and Totti to name but a few.  These players are now presiding over something of a renaissance in the last couple of seasons.  Not a transfer window goes by without the rumour mill linking the starlets of Seria A with the biggest teams around the world.  Players like Alexis Sanchez, the subject of most of the speculation in recent weeks, and for my money one of the most exciting prospects in world football (if you get the time to youtube what this guy can do it is well worth it). There are many others, Javier Pastore, the Argentinian at Palermo is another who has the ability to change a game in the blink of an eye, Ezequiel Lavezzi who despite being crazy as the day is long is an exceptional talent, the youngster Davide Santon at Inter and Alexandre Pato at city rivals AC Milan to name but a few.

This wave of fresh air has coincided nicely with ESPN picking up the rights to Italian football in the UK and once again the youth of the UK can enjoy the fruits of Serie A.  The future looks bright in Italy though, and if this kind of talent keeps on coming through...I may be having to spend extra money getting ESPN connected up to my flat...

Gooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We've all been there...sitting at home or in the pub watching a game when the commentator drops a clanger, and I'm not talking the David Pleat 'isn't it nice that they still let him on TV' type clanger when he insists on calling Alessandro Del Piero "Del Pero" or not being able to tell the difference between Christian Vieri and Patrick Viera and neither am I talking about the kind of inexcusable clanger dropped by Big Ron or Andy Gray...i'm talking slip of the tongue, getting a players name wrong, breaking out a erroneous fact about a team/player or the inevitable "one night in Barcelona/Istanbul (delete as appropriate)".  We're all too quick to jump up and down and inform anyone who'll listen how much of a w***er we think they are, or how they shouldn't be on TV anymore. 

We all have our favourite co-commentators/pundits, they are regular causes for debate in the pubs up and down the UK, but how about the commentators who are actually good at their job? Shouldn't they get a little bit of appreciation?  So this is where it all begins in the hope of recognizing those fellow who put a smile on our faces.

So here it is, a selection of 5 of the best commentator goal reactions I could find on the world wide web (or maybe just on You Tube);

First up, Peter 'he's got a good touch for a big man' Crouch v Galatasaray...this guy absolutely loves it.  Next up we stay in England and for all you Manchester United fans Wayne Rooney scoring against Arsenal on his birthday, prompting a few congratulations from the commentator.

Now before all you Arsenal fans get upset for me putting that one up, we'll even it up with one of your own...this Argentinian commentator is so impressed with Thierry Henry's strike to go 3-2 up against Liverpool he dedicates a mini-song to him.

The final two I've got to share are something special...the first is from Juventus v Roma, we're in stoppage time when John Arne Riise pops up with this last minute winner, I honestly didn't realise a man could make such noises, listen out for the climax-esque squealing of "John" at the end...amazing.

The last is my favourite, not only is this one of the best World Cup goals of all time, but the commentators celebration is beyond words, the boy just loves football...so here it is, its 2002, Holland (i think we were still allowed to call them that in those days) are playing Argentina, De Boer plays a long ball into the path of the living legend that is Dennis Bergkamp...the rest is history.

Other nations not recognised by FIFA

Sooooo...hypothetically, if the FA were to withdraw from FIFA and create a new start-up federation, what kind of competition can we expect to see grace the hallowed Wembley turf...and more importantly where in the world can the England fans take their own special brand of support...

 

• Catalonia - Representing the Spanish region which includes Barcelona.  Home games are in fact played at the Camp Nou, and with some pretty impressive results from over 200 games including a 4-2 victory over Argentina in 2009
• Northern Cyprus - Now prizes for guessing where these fine fellows represent.  Winners of the inaugural FIFI World Cup in 2006 with a 4-1 penalty victory over Zanzibar in the final.
• Sami - The national team of the Sami people who inhabit parts of Scandinavia and Russia, hold a fairly inpressive 21-1 victory over the Monaco national side.
• Monaco - not the side recently and woefully relegated from Ligue 1, but the international side who are pretty much as bad.
• Zanzibar - any fans of Tenacious D know you can order your ladies favourite dish from here, and then progress to some sweet sweet love.
• Vatican City - where the Pope lives innit.
• Gozo - the small island just north of Malta, lovely place.
• Tibet - when the Dalai Lama is on your side you're always a winner.
• Padania - 3 time champions of the VIVA World Cup, based in Italy and formed by a political party.

Steven Seagal - Reincarnation of the Dalai Lama...big fan of the Tibetan side

...hopefully England may be a bit more successful in the VIVA World Cup than the FIFA version (especially since you don't need to qualify), lets just hope we don't have to play it in the summer...otherwise they might be a bit tired.

So...the votes are in...guess who's back!

After a hard fought campaign full of the Corinthian spirit and gentlemanly conduct befitting a world leading organisation, Sepp Blatter has emerged victorious from the FIFA presidential election (despite my best efforts with a last minute application for presidential candidacy sent to the FIFA General Secretary, for those who don't believe me I can send you a copy)...oh, wait a minute, he said what?...his only opponent did what?...and FIFA reacted by doing nothing?...oh, my bad.

But this is not about to be an essay about the issues I have with FIFA, no, this is a celebration of the man, the legend, FIFA's answer to the re-election of George Double-ya...Joesph S. Blatter.  So here we go, with the big mans greatest hits to date;

• Blatter on womens football..."let women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball...they could, for example, have tighter shorts...female players are pretty".  We don't need to delve too much into this one, Andy Gray doesn't seem as bad anymore does he.
• Blatter on the "Sky Sports" revolution..."yes, in general I think there is too much football on TV".  Now, if he hadn't become such a pantomime villain in the last couple of weeks I think he could have become many a football widows best friend...but not really the message the head of the football world should be broadcasting.
• Blatter on greed..."we cannot sit by and allow greed rule the football world". This from the man who essentially gave the 2022 World Cup to Qatar, that well known football powerhouse with absolutely no financial incentives offered to FIFA delegates...
• Blatter on the victimisation of his small organisation..."We have been accused of all sorts of things, for example, in the fight against doping, when we were the ones who made headway first".  To be honest Sepp, we all agree with you on the doping thing, but maybe it was left a little late...
 

• Sepp on the 'extra curricular' activities on offer at the South Africa World Cup..."Prostitution and trafficking of women, however, does not fall within the sphere of responsibility of an international sports federation"

So there we are...a small insight into the man who has just won an uncontested election, but still couldn't win all the votes...I'm sure he's a lovely guy, just don't mention goal-line technology or heaven forbid tell him you're English...he doesn't like our type, we make him nervous with our crazy conspiracy theories and vindication of goal-line technology...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs0kP3-0pwA&feature=related

...so England will be blackballed for the next four years as a minimum...but at least the next in line to the throne likes us...oh, wait...

 ...hmmm, anyone wanna start a new federation with me?