A little more football vocab for beginners

Football has become vastly more accessible on TV in recent years, the Sky Sports revolution has indeed revolutionised the way we watch football in the UK and the emergence of ESPN has only added to this.  Some weekends it would almost be possible to watch back to back live games for a whole weekend if you were to have a subscription to ESPN and Sky Sports along with a terrestrial offering from the BBC or ITV.

This has led to an increase in the amount of pundits and with that comes exposure to endless footballing cliche...some of these are used so readily that we are in danger of forgetting the true meaning of the words, particularly when we are describing the key attributes of various players.  We are fast becoming a nation of drones screaming a mixture of obscenities and cliches at the pitch from the stand or the TV screen from the pub/couch...

So here for your convenience are definitions of a few key terms to mix in with your swearing and make you a more refined 'connoisseur' for 90mins a week;

1. Utility Player - the universal term used by managers, pundits and fans alike to describe a player who can play in any position...mainly because he's not very good at any of them.  It is the grown up version of being given the 'Most Improved Player' award.  If you have ever been described as a utility player there is hope...Phil Neville was a utility player and he's got 6 Premier League winners medals, 3 FA Cups and a Champions League winners medal.
2. Terrier Like Midfielder - usually this will refer to a midfielder of small stature who enjoys nothing more that running around the pitch kicking people.  The kind of player who may not have the best range of passing, but it is not clear if this is a genuine lack of ability, or just because if they give the ball away they get to go and smash whoever intercepted it. (see Nicky Bailey).
3. Old Fashioned Number Nine - a little bit of a cross between a 'Utility Player' and a 'Terrier Like Midfielder', except this time they score goals.  Basically, this describes a striker who's major attributes are that they are big and erm...big. What these players lack in talent (and they do lack talent) they make up for sheer size and will to win.  Despite this, they are universally loved by fans because it is widely accepted that they would 'die for the shirt'. (see 'Big' John Parkin)
4. Enigmatic -*insert position*- - description used for a player who is crazy as a box of frogs.  Some days they will be brilliant, the next day they will be awful.  We have seen a rise in these in recent times, Adel Taraabt and Super Mario are just two plying their trade in the Premier League this season.  These guy's are almost as entertaining off the pitch as they are on it.
5. Likes a Tackle - doesn't necessarily like a tackle, a more accurate description would probably be 'likes to kick people, getting the ball is a bonus...plus it means I won't get booked'. (see Lee Cattermole)
6. Forwards Challenge - very similar to a player who 'likes a tackle', however, being a player carged with attacking intent, any bad challenge will be excused due to the fact its not their job...it doesn't matter that these are professional footballers, and in all honesty they should be able to tackle.  Paul Scholes has been the major exponent of these since the inception of the Premier League.
7. Committed - loosely translated as 'God loves a trier'...we all love watching a player who leaves nothing on the park at the end of a game, sometimes these guys will be sacrificed for their own safety, always give 100%.

The Harry Redknapp School of Mathematics - Part 1

I know that Harry Redknapp is a little bit marmite...some like him, some hate him.  Personally I spend most of my time in the like column, I think he's done an outstanding job at Spurs and he's generally good value for money when he's interviewed...I'm not totally convinced he's the right man to follow Capello, but we'll see.

Anyway, enough of getting side-tracked, Redknapp came out in the press earlier in the week to have a little moan about some of the decisions that didn't go his way against Stoke at the weekend, for the most part I happen to agree with him in so much that Spurs should probably have either been given a penalty, or when the ball the subsequently ended up in the net a few seconds later, that should have counted.  However I'm not totally sure that Harry was thinking quite straight when he suggested that if we had a ref in each half it would reduce the number of errors by 50%...

Either way, it got me thinking, imagine back to your school days...its nine minutes since the bell rang signalling the start of your Maths lesson, but joy upon joy, your teacher still hasn't turned up.  Already talk has turned to the mythical '10 minute rule' that was never actually a rule, but no-one cares, if the teacher isn't there in the first 10 minutes we're all going outside to play football.  You sit, anxiously watching the clock, only 30 seconds left now...21 seconds to go...almost Romeo done...and then the door opens and in walks substitute teacher for the day Harry Redknapp.  Now obviously this will not be a regular occurrence, but after briefly introducing himself and telling you "just call me 'Arry" he begins informs you that he will be here for the next four lessons imparting all his Mathematical knowledge into your fine minds, I hope you're making note, there will be a quiz at the end...

Lesson #1 - 'Arry on Fractions

The only fractions you need to know for the 'Arry Quiz are halves and thirds.  Now everyone knows its a game of two halves, but now for the postmodernist thinking that I imagine 'Arry to have in abundance...halves are divided into three sections, a first half, a second half and a half-time.

The first half comes first, in this half you will hope to "start well", "keep it tight", "hold onto the ball" and "make the opposition work".

The second half will be a bit more of an open affair where the requirements are to "pressure the opposition", "maybe nick something" and ultimately "be the better team".

Half time is the trickiest of the three halves, for this is when the real work happens.  If the first half is going your way, you can tell the team to "keep doing what you are doing" or that "you're proud of them".  In some exceptional circumstances you may even reward them with "I don't need to say anything", however this could also be deployed if the team are having a shocker along with "I want to see more effort" or "this isn't what we talked about".

'Arry also has a slightly different opinion on thirds, in that there are only two of them...the final third and the defensive third.  Despite being thirds, and so by definition are equal, 'Arry wants to get your little minds in postmodern overdrive again but explaining that the aim of thirds is to make more space in the final third and less space in the defensive third.  This is achieved by employing Redknapps First Law of Wide Men (oh yes, it appears that not only is he a substitute Maths teacher, he also dabbles in Physics too) which states the wide players should have "chalk on their boots" and allow the little man to drop off the big man to create more space for said big man in the final third.

Making less space in the defensive third is much easier...for this you just need "bodies in the way", a fairly simple concept of putting more people in a space make less space...

Not wanting to overexert you, 'Arry calls an end to the lesson and sets homework to watch Match of the Day and count how many halves you see.

Goal of the week

There was no need for me to trawl the internet this week looking for goals due to a certain Dutchman who scored a goal so good one friend, who is an Arsenal fan, claimed "it was so good I couldn't celebrate, I pretty much just made my c*m face".

Take a bow RVP.

I make no apologies for referencing the stock joke that has been doing the rounds since the events of Wednesday night which saw Man United eliminated from the Champions League, (if you haven't head it yet, don't worry, you're not missing out, but just think about the TV station the Europa League is broadcast here in the UK and a famous french perfume brand) but instead of jumping on the bandwagon, lets try to draw the positives.

Obviously, looking at the group when the draw was made, most people would expect last seasons beaten finalists to have progressed with ease.  The fact of the matter is though, they have looked laboured and lacking a little quality on the european stage, a lot of criticism has been leveled at the youngsters in the squad, but I think this is unfair...as the old adage goes, if you're good enough, you're old enough. United started in scintillating form this season with those same youngsters, prompting a number of them to be called into the England senior squad.  Whatever the reason behind the failure is, it is not for me to try and decipher, greater tactical minds than mine will have been trying to figure it out...but whats done is done, lets move on.

The old UEFA Cup was a prestigious competition but for some reason in recent times, English clubs have treated it as a second rate competition.  Even with two finalists in recent history, they had a habit of playing under-strength sides for their Thursday night jaunts across Europe.  But why?  Every other team plays a full team for every match, if you look at the Juventus side who were beaten by Fulham, that was the best team they could have played on the day...whilst it is not the Champions League, it is a European competition, a chance to play against teams with a different footballing culture in a competitive environment.  Whilst the winning of the competition itself may not win you any plaudits as a manager, surely exposing your team to high level European competition can only be a good thing?  Roberto Mancini's reaction to being eliminated from the Champions League on Wednesday was to state that they had done well for their first ever tournament...but they had regular European competition last season...so their players should at least have that experience under their belt, but Mancini insisted on playing his "squad" players in the tournament.  Spurs are guilty of the same this season, whilst giving youngsters experience on the big stage is important, for a team aspiring to be in the Champions League, wouldn't it be better to let your first team players understand how other cultures play?

The usual excuse is that it means the team plays on a Thursday and a Sunday...now I'm no mathematician, but isn't that the same break as a player playing on a Wednesday night and then again on Saturday?  Whilst teams like Stoke have struggled in the games directly after a Europa League game, maybe this is more of a commentary on the standard of Stoke, rather than player fatigue.

Maybe what the competition needs is Man United to drop into the competition and treat it seriously.  Too many competitions are being damaged by managers and clubs treating them as lesser, but if Man United are to take it seriously, it could go a long way to changing the way the competition is perceived in the England.  They have the players to be able to play two games in close succession, the youngsters in the side are fit and have energy to burn, plus they know that they are playing for their place in team and face the 'hairdryer' if they don't give 100%.  From a fans perspective, they always want to see their team win competitions...I still inform people of our win the Ibiza Cup pre-season tournament...

At the end of the day, footballers are paid to play football, footballers love playing football, any fan in the stand would give their right arm to be playing professional football, so I think they are more than capable of playing on a Thursday night and playing well.  Come on Fergie, this could be your only chance of silverware this season...unless you draw Man City in the next round...

Football boots...window to a player's soul

(Did you like what I did there, if only there was a little less thought in these blogs I could be a tabloid journo yet!)

I'm considering joining a new football team...I say considering for a few reasons; firstly the home pitch is over an hour away, secondly, its a work team which means indiscretions which were actively encouraged in other teams I have played for may adversely effect my work and lastly the last three competitive games I've played in have ended in two knee injuries, one torn groin and one mass brawl culminating in a supporter having her rib broken by the ref...so you could say there are anxiety issues.

What it does mean though, is that I am perfectly within my right to go out and purchase a new pair of football boots.  Not that I need the excuse to go out and buy a pair or even to peruse the latest offerings on the internet but its easier to justify the cost to myself if there is competitive football to be played.

Boots have always featured heavily in the life of a young footyfile blogger, like most people I know, I can still remember the first pair of football boots I ever had, they were a pair of Inter Genoa boots bought for the princely sum of £20 and given their debut in my competitive debut for my primary school.  Since then I have gone through countless boots, a pair of blue Patrick boots, red Patrick boots, the classic Puma Kings were the last addition to the collection, although recent years have seen an affinity for Lotto boots (seriously, if you've never tried a pair they are without doubt the most comfortable boot ever...its pretty much like your foot getting a hug from an incredibly gentle bear).  Its always a big event breaking a new pair in, but before we get there we must decide what footwear we will be donning, for what some people don't realise is, is the power of your boots.

I'm not talking all this science stuff that goes into boots nowadays (especially since it seems to mean that manufacturers can charge extortionate amounts), personally I don't really believe a lot of the hype...obviously if boots are lighter you may be able to run faster.  What I'm referring to is the statement your boots make about you as a person...from the man who has just picked up the pair on special offer to the man who cleans his boots with a toothbrush after each game, a lot can be gleaned from a pair of boots, as an opponent lining up on a Sunday morning, you know what to expect from the boots of the guy you're marking.

You have your standard types...the winger with the League 2 haircut and luminous boots who is going to be trying tricks all day long but only really using electric pace, however crossing, shooting and passing all seem a little bit beyond his capabilities (oh...and heading is a no-no, he might mess up his hair).  Similarly, the striker with a shaven head and lightweight boots, these won't be quite as bright as the wingers and probably will have hints of last weeks mud on them.  This striker will be a slightly trickier customer, he will have strength and vision to go with the tricks but he also has an even bigger ego and believes that Paul Scholes can tackle...woe betide any centre half who steps round him.

In terms of attacking flair, the only other boots to look out for come from the Adidas Predator wearer...loves a Hollywood pass, spraying balls across the park from all angles, however, like all good super heroes there is a weakness too, like Nigel Quashie, if it opens up they will take the shot on, be it from 20yrds or 40yrds...and more often than not it will end up in Row Z (fyi I'm not suggesting in any way shape or form that big Nigel was a) a talented passer of the ball or b) a superhero).

Defenders and central midfielders are a far more simpler breed, they enjoy a sturdy boot made for battle, something that won't spring open at the first sign of a 50-50 challenge, boots that lick their lips in anticipation if the opposition players gets fed a hospital ball.  For these guys, the metatarsal is not so much a brittle bone on the top of a foot, its a target on which to zero in the full impact of a set of studs.

The only players who throw the system are the full backs...mainly because your average defender is either a) a frustrated centre half who is too short or b) a frustrated winger who filled in one week to do a job and did so well they never got moved forwards again...you'll know which one your playing against when you either get skinned or lumped into the stand.

Boots are more than something just to wear, boots speak volumes about you as a player...so next time you're in the shop or searching the internet for your next purchase, just remember the golden rule...no one likes a player in pink boots.

Goal of the week

This week appears to have been overhead kick week in the wonderful world of football...however, as has been stated on this page many time before, just because its an overhead kick, doesn't mean its a wonder goal/goal of the week/season/decade contender.  The truth of the matter is most Sunday League players would fancy themselves to be able to knock in a bicycle kick if the chance presented itself, it is only truly beautiful when there is that magic moment when the player seems to hang in the air as the ball drops agonisingly slowly onto their boot before exploding into the net...any way, enough of that on to goal of the week.

This week I may have been a little swayed because of the player as much as the actual goal itself.  The goal comes from the Europa League for Besiktas against Maccabi Tel Aviv, it is the perfect execution of a volley utilising textbook technique to send the ball fizzing past the 'keeper who can all but wave at it on the way past.  The player who executes such a strike is Ricardo Quaresma, a man who has talent in abundance, but for some reason has never really shown it when he has moved to a big club, I've always enjoyed watching him play, and its mainly due to the knowledge that at any moment he could produce a moment of genius like this.

Pep Guardiola and the number five

The number five and Pep Guardiola have had a special relationship since he took charge of Barcelona in 2008, its not the amount of times that gushing pundits proclaim how "everyone talks about Xavi, but this little fella Andres Iniesta is as good, if not better"...we've all seen him play, we all know that arguably he is the better player of the two, you're not providing the insight you seem to think you are (its like Makelele syndrome all over again!).  Nor is it the amount of times in a day he claimed that he didn't believe in talking publicly about other clubs players, whilst then adding that he hoped Cesc would be a Barca player soon.

The number five is in fact one half of the second most common La Liga result...the other half being the '0' scored by the oppo, and this was before having thumped Levante 5-0 last night.  On the face of it, this seems like a good thing right?  Barcelona are undoubtedly a team packed full of attacking talent, more than capable of creating a hat full of chances almost on demand.  This attacking prowess is also their defensive strength, teams are so scared of what can happen to them if they over-commit against Pep's boys that they sit deep and hope that they get lucky on the break...despite what the pundits think, personally I wouldn't rate Valdes as one of the top ten 'keepers in the world, but that's a fight for another day.  But what does it say about the rest of the league...

Apart from Real Madrid (and perhaps Valencia this season), how many other Spanish teams are truly capable of mounting a serious title challenge?  To highlight the point, Levante currently sit fourth...

A lot of criticism gets leveled at the Premier League for lack of competition owing to there only having been four different winners since its inception, however, on any given weekend, any team is legitimately capable of winning.  This sounds like a pretty bold statement, and I'm sure that more than a couple of people will disagree completely...but at the end of the day, the biggest driver in football currently is money.  Those clubs with bigger budgets tend to do better because they can afford the biggest wages, but in the Premier League, the gulf between the teams is not insurmountable leaving the league ultimately competitive.

In Spain though, how many supporters would genuinely fancy themselves to come away from the Camp Nou with all three points, or even just the one.  The same goes for the Bernabeu, although Real Madrid do have a reputation of being a little bit temperamental every now and then.  The difference again is to do with the financial muscle each team has.  Whilst in the Premier League the TV money gets split evenly between the teams, the Spanish teams negotiate individual TV rights, understandably this results in Barca and Real Madrid getting the big bucks, whilst other teams are left struggling for the scraps from the top two's table.  This then means that Barca and Real can afford the biggest wages and attract the best players.

Obviously there are other factors, the Barca youth development system is second to none, although the Qatari system is closing fast, meaning that they have a ready made supply of Xavi's and Iniesta's ready to step into the breach...but on the face of it, the future does not look good for La Liga.  If the current trend is not bucked soon, La Liga could turn into the two horse race that the SPL is (if it hasn't already done so).  The two clubs have already been very vocal about the possibility of a Euro Elite League, mainly to avoid this lack of competition in the domestic league, but outside of the ECA, I can't see this being a very popular idea.