I know that Harry Redknapp is a little bit marmite...some like him, some hate him. Personally I spend most of my time in the like column, I think he's done an outstanding job at Spurs and he's generally good value for money when he's interviewed...I'm not totally convinced he's the right man to follow Capello, but we'll see.
Anyway, enough of getting side-tracked, Redknapp came out in the press earlier in the week to have a little moan about some of the decisions that didn't go his way against Stoke at the weekend, for the most part I happen to agree with him in so much that Spurs should probably have either been given a penalty, or when the ball the subsequently ended up in the net a few seconds later, that should have counted. However I'm not totally sure that Harry was thinking quite straight when he suggested that if we had a ref in each half it would reduce the number of errors by 50%...
Either way, it got me thinking, imagine back to your school days...its nine minutes since the bell rang signalling the start of your Maths lesson, but joy upon joy, your teacher still hasn't turned up. Already talk has turned to the mythical '10 minute rule' that was never actually a rule, but no-one cares, if the teacher isn't there in the first 10 minutes we're all going outside to play football. You sit, anxiously watching the clock, only 30 seconds left now...21 seconds to go...almost Romeo done...and then the door opens and in walks substitute teacher for the day Harry Redknapp. Now obviously this will not be a regular occurrence, but after briefly introducing himself and telling you "just call me 'Arry" he begins informs you that he will be here for the next four lessons imparting all his Mathematical knowledge into your fine minds, I hope you're making note, there will be a quiz at the end...
Lesson #1 - 'Arry on Fractions
The only fractions you need to know for the 'Arry Quiz are halves and thirds. Now everyone knows its a game of two halves, but now for the postmodernist thinking that I imagine 'Arry to have in abundance...halves are divided into three sections, a first half, a second half and a half-time.
The first half comes first, in this half you will hope to "start well", "keep it tight", "hold onto the ball" and "make the opposition work".
The second half will be a bit more of an open affair where the requirements are to "pressure the opposition", "maybe nick something" and ultimately "be the better team".
Half time is the trickiest of the three halves, for this is when the real work happens. If the first half is going your way, you can tell the team to "keep doing what you are doing" or that "you're proud of them". In some exceptional circumstances you may even reward them with "I don't need to say anything", however this could also be deployed if the team are having a shocker along with "I want to see more effort" or "this isn't what we talked about".
'Arry also has a slightly different opinion on thirds, in that there are only two of them...the final third and the defensive third. Despite being thirds, and so by definition are equal, 'Arry wants to get your little minds in postmodern overdrive again but explaining that the aim of thirds is to make more space in the final third and less space in the defensive third. This is achieved by employing Redknapps First Law of Wide Men (oh yes, it appears that not only is he a substitute Maths teacher, he also dabbles in Physics too) which states the wide players should have "chalk on their boots" and allow the little man to drop off the big man to create more space for said big man in the final third.
Making less space in the defensive third is much easier...for this you just need "bodies in the way", a fairly simple concept of putting more people in a space make less space...
Not wanting to overexert you, 'Arry calls an end to the lesson and sets homework to watch Match of the Day and count how many halves you see.
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