So...its the 31st December 2011, what else can I write about other than the standard New Years Eve reflection of the year just gone or hopes for the year ahead of us...unfortunately for you all I am just too uncreative to think of anything else other than the standard rubbish column inches churned out by the mass media...
There are many things I am looking forward to in 2012...Men in Black 3, the next Batman film, the European Championships in Poland and Ukraine, the end of the world as predicted by the Mayans (21st December 2012) coming and going (just as every Nostradamus prediction has) and, since I live in London, I'm obliged to say that I am looking forward to the 2012 Olympics. But, if I had my way, what would the coming year hold for the world of football...
Pro-Steve Kean Rallies - Never before has there been such an outpouring of support from the Premier League managers as there has been for Steve Kean. Whilst his team have been fairly woeful throughout the course of 2011, for some reason no-one thinks its his fault because the team are playing good football. That's all well and good, but try explaining that to your average Blackburn fan who seems more interested in making some the most amateur "banners" ever seen than actually appreciating the effort the players are putting in on the pitch. Maybe the chicken empire haven't exactly invested money as they claimed, but Blackburn fans maybe need to stop getting ideas above their station...obviously results like today's will go some way to fan the delusions of grandeur suffered almost to a person at Ewood Park. So, whilst Blackburn fans seem intent of getting him sacked, why don't the rest of us attend Pro-Steve Kean rallies with even more amateurish banners to sing songs about his extensive achievements...erm, or just sing his name over and over again.
Sepp Blatter photographed at Silvio Berlusconi 'Bunga Bunga' party - They say opposites attract, well this would be a prime example...one of the worlds most popular politicians (purely based on his "extra curricular" activities than actual policy/running of the country) and the universally hated (if the universe consisted of England) football official. Teflon Sepp has survived every scandal and accusation of misconduct and somehow still gets re-elected as FIFA president. Maybe being seen at one of Silvio's famous 'Bunga Bunga' parties would be the final straw, obviously the initial photo of Sepp in his speedo surrounded by young ladies of the night would be a potentially scarring experience, but the photos to accompany the inevitable FIFA statement defending his actions would be priceless...I'm thinking Sepp ironing while his wife sits and watches TV in the background, Sepp on his hands and knees scrubbing a floor and of course, Sepp playing football in shorter shorts and tighter tops (since this was his suggestion on how to make womens football more appealing).
Mario Balotelli keeps being Mario Balotelli. Gary Lineker admitted on Match of the Day the Super Mario was fast becoming one of his favourite players, and who am I to disagree with Gary Winston Lineker!? Whilst obviously a gifted footballer when he wants to be, its Mario's off the field antics that have kept me entertained...granted we're in the position now were every most of the stories aren't true, but the brilliant thing is, a little piece of you believes that Super Mario could feasibly have done it. My top stories from the last year are obviously the firework debacle, and also the rumour that when his mother came to visit, she was so disgusted by the state of his house that she sent him shopping to buy cleaning products only for Mario to appear a few hours later with a John Lewis van filled with anything other than cleaning products and allegedly including a trampoline.
Mounting tension between Souness and Gullit boils over live on TV. Sick of having to listen to yet more drivel from the mouth of Souness, Ruud Gullit finally snaps and puts him in his place. Obviously Souness won't take this lying down, and points out to Gullit his achievements in the game before asking "what have you done Ruud?" prompting Gullit to smile, laugh and then get all Frank Rijkard on his Rudi Voller ass. Que bedlam as the two scuffle infront of a bemused Geoff Stelling with Gary Neville trying to "pull them apart" whilst looking suspiciously like he too is putting the boot in on Souness. In the aftermath Souness signs a new contract with ITV for their Euro Championship and turns up for his first show only to be sat next to Edgar Davids...unfortunately for Souness, Edgar could be described as having a somewhat shorter fuse the Ruud Gullit...the whole episode then ends up being parodied for the rest of time on YouTube.
We can all dream can't we, oh, and obviously a promotion would be nice next year, maybe a cup run and a trip to Old Trafford...but thats just not realistic now is it...
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Monday, 26 December 2011
The Paper Mache XI
The festive season is full of cheer and goodwill to all men, so what better time to take a look at those talented players who are more acquainted with the physio room than the pitch. We've all suffered the odd 'twinge' every now and then, dead legs, pulled muscles or the dreaded cramp...but for some reason, some players are just more susceptible to injuries, is it genetic or technique deficiency that leads to these injuries...or just plain bad luck?
Whatever the reason, here is my homage to the greatest team that you'd never get on a pitch;
GK - Chris Kirkland. Undoubtedly talented, but also famously injury prone. Once touted as a future Engalnd No.1 until a string of injuries have all but ground his career to a halt. Back problems, knee problems, dislocated finger, concussions to name but a few.
DEF- Jonathan Woodgate. In an era where English football was churning out some of the best centre-halves in the world, Woodgate was amongst the best. Combined transfer fee's of approx. £35million over the course of his career, but only 8 England caps tell the story. His transfer to Real Madrid often appears in "Worst Transfer" lists, but a debut including scoring an own goal and getting sent off but still receiving a standing ovation from the Real Madrid fans tell you all you need to know about him.
DEF - John Mensah. A natural defender, the big Ghanaian was never blessed with electric pace, but with impeccable positioning and timing, big John never really needs to be quick. A look down his list of clubs paints a picture of a journeyman player, however regular appearances in the Ligue 1 team of the year show how good a player he is. Injuries have caught up with him in recent years and Sunderland fans will no doubt be cursing that fact.
DEF - Ledley King. What can you say about Ledley King that hasn't already been said a thousand times before? Arguable a better defender than JT, who if fully fit would have given every England manager for the last 5 years a selection headache. The measure of the man is that he has no cartilage in his knee, can't train, can only manage one game a week but is still the club captain of Spurs and was called up to the provisional World Cup squad in 2010. Its not just his knees though, recently groin and fashionable metatarsal injuries have added to problems. Honestly though, still one of my favourite defenders in Premier League history.
MID - Kieron Dyer. Candidate for unluckiest man of the team-sheet. Hamstring and groin problems blighted his early career, the standard injury for a nippy winger, but in recent years broken legs and a freak eye injury in training have restricted him to just 64 appearances since the start of the 2005/06 season. No matter how injury-prone he is, the decision by West Ham co-owner David Sullivan to publicly suggest he should retire is despicable and shows what kind of person Sullivan is (if the fact that he's a porn mogul wasn't giving you a hint).
MID - Jimmy Bullard. When Jimmy Bullard lined up for Wigan in their inaugural season in the Premier League he was a breath of fresh air. Finally here was a premiership star who loved playing football and showed it. Entertaining and hardworking and a bit of a joker behind the scenes (when the floodlights failed mid-way through a Wigan game, Bullard dribbled the ball from the edge of the Wigan box round a number of opposition players the full length of the pitch before thumping a strike over the bar). Numerous knee injuries have since blighted the career of one of the most entertaining players in recent years...he could hit a free kick too.
MID - Darren Anderton. Much like Ledley King, there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. Never the most athletic player, but had the technical ability that meant it didn't matter. Will be a hero at Bournemouth for the rest of his days though.
MID - Stephen Appiah. An absolute legend wherever he has played and even more so in his native Ghana. Injury and contract issues have stalled his career in recent years, 15 games for Cesena last season Stephen is currently unattached despite rumours of him training with Spurs in recent times.
MID - Arjen Robben. Injured at Chelsea, injured at Real Madrid, immense at Bayern Munich. Still not completely fit, but undoubtedly would be up there in any list of the best players in the world if he could convince the world that he is fit. A rare breed of a lighting quick winger with an end product.
FWD - Dean Ashton. Widely described as an "old fashioned number 9", but Dean Ashton was far better than that. Scored goals in struggling teams despite struggling to get himself 100% fit, a training ground challenge whilst on England duty in 2006 broke his ankle, from which he never recovered and forced him into retirement in 2009
FWD - Ronaldo. The original (and still the best) Ronaldo. Scored a bag full of goals at every club he went to. Many people wrote big Ron off after serious knee injuries at Inter Milan, but he was back to his mercurial best at the 2002 World Cup, earning him a move to Real Madrid. Further injuries and weight issues meant that Fabio Capello offloaded the striker to AC Milan, in February 2008 Ronaldo again ruptured the ligaments in his knee, causing the opposition goalkeeper at the time to say it sounded like a gun going off when the ligament snapped. Ronaldo was beside himself in the dressing room, knowing only too well what had happened to his knee, a few false starts in Brazil were finally ended in February 2011 when he announced his decision to retire. The game will never be the same.
Subs - Owen Hargreaves, Jamie Redknapp, Michael Owen, Michael Bridges, Tomas Rosicky
Whatever the reason, here is my homage to the greatest team that you'd never get on a pitch;
GK - Chris Kirkland. Undoubtedly talented, but also famously injury prone. Once touted as a future Engalnd No.1 until a string of injuries have all but ground his career to a halt. Back problems, knee problems, dislocated finger, concussions to name but a few.
DEF- Jonathan Woodgate. In an era where English football was churning out some of the best centre-halves in the world, Woodgate was amongst the best. Combined transfer fee's of approx. £35million over the course of his career, but only 8 England caps tell the story. His transfer to Real Madrid often appears in "Worst Transfer" lists, but a debut including scoring an own goal and getting sent off but still receiving a standing ovation from the Real Madrid fans tell you all you need to know about him.
DEF - John Mensah. A natural defender, the big Ghanaian was never blessed with electric pace, but with impeccable positioning and timing, big John never really needs to be quick. A look down his list of clubs paints a picture of a journeyman player, however regular appearances in the Ligue 1 team of the year show how good a player he is. Injuries have caught up with him in recent years and Sunderland fans will no doubt be cursing that fact.
DEF - Ledley King. What can you say about Ledley King that hasn't already been said a thousand times before? Arguable a better defender than JT, who if fully fit would have given every England manager for the last 5 years a selection headache. The measure of the man is that he has no cartilage in his knee, can't train, can only manage one game a week but is still the club captain of Spurs and was called up to the provisional World Cup squad in 2010. Its not just his knees though, recently groin and fashionable metatarsal injuries have added to problems. Honestly though, still one of my favourite defenders in Premier League history.
MID - Kieron Dyer. Candidate for unluckiest man of the team-sheet. Hamstring and groin problems blighted his early career, the standard injury for a nippy winger, but in recent years broken legs and a freak eye injury in training have restricted him to just 64 appearances since the start of the 2005/06 season. No matter how injury-prone he is, the decision by West Ham co-owner David Sullivan to publicly suggest he should retire is despicable and shows what kind of person Sullivan is (if the fact that he's a porn mogul wasn't giving you a hint).
MID - Jimmy Bullard. When Jimmy Bullard lined up for Wigan in their inaugural season in the Premier League he was a breath of fresh air. Finally here was a premiership star who loved playing football and showed it. Entertaining and hardworking and a bit of a joker behind the scenes (when the floodlights failed mid-way through a Wigan game, Bullard dribbled the ball from the edge of the Wigan box round a number of opposition players the full length of the pitch before thumping a strike over the bar). Numerous knee injuries have since blighted the career of one of the most entertaining players in recent years...he could hit a free kick too.
MID - Darren Anderton. Much like Ledley King, there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said. Never the most athletic player, but had the technical ability that meant it didn't matter. Will be a hero at Bournemouth for the rest of his days though.
MID - Stephen Appiah. An absolute legend wherever he has played and even more so in his native Ghana. Injury and contract issues have stalled his career in recent years, 15 games for Cesena last season Stephen is currently unattached despite rumours of him training with Spurs in recent times.
MID - Arjen Robben. Injured at Chelsea, injured at Real Madrid, immense at Bayern Munich. Still not completely fit, but undoubtedly would be up there in any list of the best players in the world if he could convince the world that he is fit. A rare breed of a lighting quick winger with an end product.
FWD - Dean Ashton. Widely described as an "old fashioned number 9", but Dean Ashton was far better than that. Scored goals in struggling teams despite struggling to get himself 100% fit, a training ground challenge whilst on England duty in 2006 broke his ankle, from which he never recovered and forced him into retirement in 2009
FWD - Ronaldo. The original (and still the best) Ronaldo. Scored a bag full of goals at every club he went to. Many people wrote big Ron off after serious knee injuries at Inter Milan, but he was back to his mercurial best at the 2002 World Cup, earning him a move to Real Madrid. Further injuries and weight issues meant that Fabio Capello offloaded the striker to AC Milan, in February 2008 Ronaldo again ruptured the ligaments in his knee, causing the opposition goalkeeper at the time to say it sounded like a gun going off when the ligament snapped. Ronaldo was beside himself in the dressing room, knowing only too well what had happened to his knee, a few false starts in Brazil were finally ended in February 2011 when he announced his decision to retire. The game will never be the same.
Subs - Owen Hargreaves, Jamie Redknapp, Michael Owen, Michael Bridges, Tomas Rosicky
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Top Premier League Goals - On the 20,000 goal bandwagon
It all started with Brian Deane and 19,999 goals later Marc Albrighton struck the 20,000th goal of the Premier League...now inevitably the media will be rife with the top Premier League goals of all time...so who am I to buck the trend.
I've taken a quick straw pole survey from the more knowledgeable football minds amongst my friends to find out what each persons top 3 goals are and then collate them here for everyone to enjoy. The beauty of being the age that I am, with all the people I asked being a similar age, is that we are old enough to remember the majority of the Premier League, but also young enough to have spent many an hour trying to recreate those finest finishes in the park and playgrounds growing up. The only thing I would say about this list is that there will be no Dennis Bergkamp vs Newcastle...mainly because I am still not convinced that he meant to do it, whilst I know this will cause outrage amongst the Arsenal fans that is just the way the cookie crumbles...deal with it.
So, in no particular order;
Thanks to everyone who helped track down these goals.
I've taken a quick straw pole survey from the more knowledgeable football minds amongst my friends to find out what each persons top 3 goals are and then collate them here for everyone to enjoy. The beauty of being the age that I am, with all the people I asked being a similar age, is that we are old enough to remember the majority of the Premier League, but also young enough to have spent many an hour trying to recreate those finest finishes in the park and playgrounds growing up. The only thing I would say about this list is that there will be no Dennis Bergkamp vs Newcastle...mainly because I am still not convinced that he meant to do it, whilst I know this will cause outrage amongst the Arsenal fans that is just the way the cookie crumbles...deal with it.
So, in no particular order;
- Matthew Le Tissier - Southampton vs Newcastle United
- Matthew Le Tissier - Southampton vs Blackburn Rovers
- Matthew Le Tissier - Southampton vs Arsenal
- Eric Cantona - Manchester United vs Sunderland
- Alan Shearer - Newcastle United vs Everton
- Tony Yeboah - Leeds United vs Wimbledon
- Tony Yeboah - Leeds United vs Liverpool
- Wayne Rooney - Manchester United vs Manchester City
- Paolo Di Canio - West Ham United vs Wimbledon
- Scott Parker - West Ham United vs Liverpool
- Gareth Bale - Tottenham vs Stoke City
- Robin Van Persie - Arsenal vs Everton
- Paul Scholes - Manchester United vs Bradford City
- Dietmar Hamann - Liverpool vs Portsmouth
- Steven Gerrard - Liverpool vs Middlesbrough
- Glen Johnson - Portsmouth vs Hull City
- Cristiano Ronaldo - Manchester United vs Portsmouth
- Wayne Rooney - Manchester United vs Newcastle United
- Freddy Kanoute - Tottenham vs Everton
- Philippe Albert - Newcastle United vs Manchester United
Thanks to everyone who helped track down these goals.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
The Harry Redknapp School of Mathematics - Part 2
After a busy weekend masterminding a 1-0 win over Sunderland, 'Arry turns up for class in a buoyant mood ready to impart yet more of his special knowledge.
Lesson #2 -Harry on Averages and Quartiles
'Arry opens the lesson with a quick test..."You go in at half-time, 0-2 at home to the team currently propping up the table. When interviewed by Garth Crooks after the game and he questions you about the first half performance, do you describe the performance as a) Shocking; b) Average or c) Top Notch?"
The answer of course is B...average...for you see, 'Arry has a very different definition of the word average to you and me. To anyone else, you would feel that losing 2-0 at home to bottom of the league would be a fairly poor performance, but 'Arry is a glass half full kind of guy, and he has his own system for defining averages and quartiles.
First Quartile - Usually defined as;
Lesson #2 -Harry on Averages and Quartiles
'Arry opens the lesson with a quick test..."You go in at half-time, 0-2 at home to the team currently propping up the table. When interviewed by Garth Crooks after the game and he questions you about the first half performance, do you describe the performance as a) Shocking; b) Average or c) Top Notch?"
The answer of course is B...average...for you see, 'Arry has a very different definition of the word average to you and me. To anyone else, you would feel that losing 2-0 at home to bottom of the league would be a fairly poor performance, but 'Arry is a glass half full kind of guy, and he has his own system for defining averages and quartiles.
First Quartile - Usually defined as;
lower quartile = cuts off lowest 25% of data
...but not so in the Harry Redknapp school, players deemed to be in the first quartile is called 'average', 'Arry doesn't sign rubbish players, so even in training drills the worst his players are is 'average'. For example, Davor Suker was average when he played for West Ham.
Second Quartile - Usually defined as;
median = cuts data set in half
These are players who in Harry's eyes are 'top players' these are your bog standard Premier League players, your Dave Jones, Ronnie Stam or Gary Caldwell (can you tell I'm watching Wigan v Liverpool). This is quite a sly one on 'Arrys part, since it gives the players illusions of grandeur, making them feel like they can stroke the ball across the turf with the best of them...only to under-hit a pass and let Jermain Defoe et al in to score.
Now things get a bit sketchy again with the 'Arry system. From 'Top Players', the next step up is 'Top, Top Players'. This accolade is reserved for those Tottenham regulars who poor 'Arry is desperate to keep hold of during the transfer window...Gareth Bale, Luka Modric etc. By describing these as 'Top, Top Players' 'Arry secretly is adding £7.5m per 'Top' onto the value of the player, so not only is he re-iterating the importance of the players to the team, he is inflating prices.
The upper echelons of the footballing ranks have one more level to get to, those who are in the 'Top, Top, Top Player' category...these are reserved for non-Spurs players, but players who 'Arry would soon like to be Spurs players. Top. top, top is the ultimate form of media flattery utterance to pass the lips of 'Arry.
Be careful with the use of these terms, they are very contagious and very probably hereditary if you ever take notice of what Jamie Redknapp is spewing out during his punditry work (in between talking about Frank).
A nice simple lesson today for you...lets see how many of you will be 'Top, Top, Top' students after the quiz.
Goal of the week
Despite the truly epic nature of 'that' own goal, I wouldn't feel right bestowing the great honour of Goal of the Week on the young lad...although having a penchant for an own goal myself I do appreciate the skill it takes to pull off such a maneuver...that coupled with the below par standard of the efforts from around the globe did make it tempting.
This weeks goal of the week comes from the Mickey Mouse league otherwise known as the SPL and this thunderbolt from James Dayton...pick that out!
This weeks goal of the week comes from the Mickey Mouse league otherwise known as the SPL and this thunderbolt from James Dayton...pick that out!
Sunday, 18 December 2011
A little more football vocab for beginners
Football has become vastly more accessible on TV in recent years, the Sky Sports revolution has indeed revolutionised the way we watch football in the UK and the emergence of ESPN has only added to this. Some weekends it would almost be possible to watch back to back live games for a whole weekend if you were to have a subscription to ESPN and Sky Sports along with a terrestrial offering from the BBC or ITV.
This has led to an increase in the amount of pundits and with that comes exposure to endless footballing cliche...some of these are used so readily that we are in danger of forgetting the true meaning of the words, particularly when we are describing the key attributes of various players. We are fast becoming a nation of drones screaming a mixture of obscenities and cliches at the pitch from the stand or the TV screen from the pub/couch...
So here for your convenience are definitions of a few key terms to mix in with your swearing and make you a more refined 'connoisseur' for 90mins a week;
This has led to an increase in the amount of pundits and with that comes exposure to endless footballing cliche...some of these are used so readily that we are in danger of forgetting the true meaning of the words, particularly when we are describing the key attributes of various players. We are fast becoming a nation of drones screaming a mixture of obscenities and cliches at the pitch from the stand or the TV screen from the pub/couch...
So here for your convenience are definitions of a few key terms to mix in with your swearing and make you a more refined 'connoisseur' for 90mins a week;
- Utility Player - the universal term used by managers, pundits and fans alike to describe a player who can play in any position...mainly because he's not very good at any of them. It is the grown up version of being given the 'Most Improved Player' award. If you have ever been described as a utility player there is hope...Phil Neville was a utility player and he's got 6 Premier League winners medals, 3 FA Cups and a Champions League winners medal.
- Terrier Like Midfielder - usually this will refer to a midfielder of small stature who enjoys nothing more that running around the pitch kicking people. The kind of player who may not have the best range of passing, but it is not clear if this is a genuine lack of ability, or just because if they give the ball away they get to go and smash whoever intercepted it. (see Nicky Bailey).
- Old Fashioned Number Nine - a little bit of a cross between a 'Utility Player' and a 'Terrier Like Midfielder', except this time they score goals. Basically, this describes a striker who's major attributes are that they are big and erm...big. What these players lack in talent (and they do lack talent) they make up for sheer size and will to win. Despite this, they are universally loved by fans because it is widely accepted that they would 'die for the shirt'. (see 'Big' John Parkin)
- Enigmatic -*insert position*- - description used for a player who is crazy as a box of frogs. Some days they will be brilliant, the next day they will be awful. We have seen a rise in these in recent times, Adel Taraabt and Super Mario are just two plying their trade in the Premier League this season. These guy's are almost as entertaining off the pitch as they are on it.
- Likes a Tackle - doesn't necessarily like a tackle, a more accurate description would probably be 'likes to kick people, getting the ball is a bonus...plus it means I won't get booked'. (see Lee Cattermole)
- Forwards Challenge - very similar to a player who 'likes a tackle', however, being a player carged with attacking intent, any bad challenge will be excused due to the fact its not their job...it doesn't matter that these are professional footballers, and in all honesty they should be able to tackle. Paul Scholes has been the major exponent of these since the inception of the Premier League.
- Committed - loosely translated as 'God loves a trier'...we all love watching a player who leaves nothing on the park at the end of a game, sometimes these guys will be sacrificed for their own safety, always give 100%.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
The Harry Redknapp School of Mathematics - Part 1
I know that Harry Redknapp is a little bit marmite...some like him, some hate him. Personally I spend most of my time in the like column, I think he's done an outstanding job at Spurs and he's generally good value for money when he's interviewed...I'm not totally convinced he's the right man to follow Capello, but we'll see.
Anyway, enough of getting side-tracked, Redknapp came out in the press earlier in the week to have a little moan about some of the decisions that didn't go his way against Stoke at the weekend, for the most part I happen to agree with him in so much that Spurs should probably have either been given a penalty, or when the ball the subsequently ended up in the net a few seconds later, that should have counted. However I'm not totally sure that Harry was thinking quite straight when he suggested that if we had a ref in each half it would reduce the number of errors by 50%...
Either way, it got me thinking, imagine back to your school days...its nine minutes since the bell rang signalling the start of your Maths lesson, but joy upon joy, your teacher still hasn't turned up. Already talk has turned to the mythical '10 minute rule' that was never actually a rule, but no-one cares, if the teacher isn't there in the first 10 minutes we're all going outside to play football. You sit, anxiously watching the clock, only 30 seconds left now...21 seconds to go...almost Romeo done...and then the door opens and in walks substitute teacher for the day Harry Redknapp. Now obviously this will not be a regular occurrence, but after briefly introducing himself and telling you "just call me 'Arry" he begins informs you that he will be here for the next four lessons imparting all his Mathematical knowledge into your fine minds, I hope you're making note, there will be a quiz at the end...
Lesson #1 - 'Arry on Fractions
The only fractions you need to know for the 'Arry Quiz are halves and thirds. Now everyone knows its a game of two halves, but now for the postmodernist thinking that I imagine 'Arry to have in abundance...halves are divided into three sections, a first half, a second half and a half-time.
The first half comes first, in this half you will hope to "start well", "keep it tight", "hold onto the ball" and "make the opposition work".
The second half will be a bit more of an open affair where the requirements are to "pressure the opposition", "maybe nick something" and ultimately "be the better team".
Half time is the trickiest of the three halves, for this is when the real work happens. If the first half is going your way, you can tell the team to "keep doing what you are doing" or that "you're proud of them". In some exceptional circumstances you may even reward them with "I don't need to say anything", however this could also be deployed if the team are having a shocker along with "I want to see more effort" or "this isn't what we talked about".
'Arry also has a slightly different opinion on thirds, in that there are only two of them...the final third and the defensive third. Despite being thirds, and so by definition are equal, 'Arry wants to get your little minds in postmodern overdrive again but explaining that the aim of thirds is to make more space in the final third and less space in the defensive third. This is achieved by employing Redknapps First Law of Wide Men (oh yes, it appears that not only is he a substitute Maths teacher, he also dabbles in Physics too) which states the wide players should have "chalk on their boots" and allow the little man to drop off the big man to create more space for said big man in the final third.
Making less space in the defensive third is much easier...for this you just need "bodies in the way", a fairly simple concept of putting more people in a space make less space...
Not wanting to overexert you, 'Arry calls an end to the lesson and sets homework to watch Match of the Day and count how many halves you see.
Anyway, enough of getting side-tracked, Redknapp came out in the press earlier in the week to have a little moan about some of the decisions that didn't go his way against Stoke at the weekend, for the most part I happen to agree with him in so much that Spurs should probably have either been given a penalty, or when the ball the subsequently ended up in the net a few seconds later, that should have counted. However I'm not totally sure that Harry was thinking quite straight when he suggested that if we had a ref in each half it would reduce the number of errors by 50%...
Either way, it got me thinking, imagine back to your school days...its nine minutes since the bell rang signalling the start of your Maths lesson, but joy upon joy, your teacher still hasn't turned up. Already talk has turned to the mythical '10 minute rule' that was never actually a rule, but no-one cares, if the teacher isn't there in the first 10 minutes we're all going outside to play football. You sit, anxiously watching the clock, only 30 seconds left now...21 seconds to go...almost Romeo done...and then the door opens and in walks substitute teacher for the day Harry Redknapp. Now obviously this will not be a regular occurrence, but after briefly introducing himself and telling you "just call me 'Arry" he begins informs you that he will be here for the next four lessons imparting all his Mathematical knowledge into your fine minds, I hope you're making note, there will be a quiz at the end...
Lesson #1 - 'Arry on Fractions
The only fractions you need to know for the 'Arry Quiz are halves and thirds. Now everyone knows its a game of two halves, but now for the postmodernist thinking that I imagine 'Arry to have in abundance...halves are divided into three sections, a first half, a second half and a half-time.
The first half comes first, in this half you will hope to "start well", "keep it tight", "hold onto the ball" and "make the opposition work".
The second half will be a bit more of an open affair where the requirements are to "pressure the opposition", "maybe nick something" and ultimately "be the better team".
Half time is the trickiest of the three halves, for this is when the real work happens. If the first half is going your way, you can tell the team to "keep doing what you are doing" or that "you're proud of them". In some exceptional circumstances you may even reward them with "I don't need to say anything", however this could also be deployed if the team are having a shocker along with "I want to see more effort" or "this isn't what we talked about".
'Arry also has a slightly different opinion on thirds, in that there are only two of them...the final third and the defensive third. Despite being thirds, and so by definition are equal, 'Arry wants to get your little minds in postmodern overdrive again but explaining that the aim of thirds is to make more space in the final third and less space in the defensive third. This is achieved by employing Redknapps First Law of Wide Men (oh yes, it appears that not only is he a substitute Maths teacher, he also dabbles in Physics too) which states the wide players should have "chalk on their boots" and allow the little man to drop off the big man to create more space for said big man in the final third.
Making less space in the defensive third is much easier...for this you just need "bodies in the way", a fairly simple concept of putting more people in a space make less space...
Not wanting to overexert you, 'Arry calls an end to the lesson and sets homework to watch Match of the Day and count how many halves you see.
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