The Last Post of 2011

So...its the 31st December 2011, what else can I write about other than the standard New Years Eve reflection of the year just gone or hopes for the year ahead of us...unfortunately for you all I am just too uncreative to think of anything else other than the standard rubbish column inches churned out by the mass media...

There are many things I am looking forward to in 2012...Men in Black 3, the next Batman film, the European Championships in Poland and Ukraine, the end of the world as predicted by the Mayans (21st December 2012) coming and going (just as every Nostradamus prediction has) and, since I live in London, I'm obliged to say that I am looking forward to the 2012 Olympics.  But, if I had my way, what would the coming year hold for the world of football...

Pro-Steve Kean Rallies - Never before has there been such an outpouring of support from the Premier League managers as there has been for Steve Kean.  Whilst his team have been fairly woeful throughout the course of 2011, for some reason no-one thinks its his fault because the team are playing good football.  That's all well and good, but try explaining that to your average Blackburn fan who seems more interested in making some the most amateur "banners" ever seen than actually appreciating the effort the players are putting in on the pitch.  Maybe the chicken empire haven't exactly invested money as they claimed, but Blackburn fans maybe need to stop getting ideas above their station...obviously results like today's will go some way to fan the delusions of grandeur suffered almost to a person at Ewood Park.  So, whilst Blackburn fans seem intent of getting him sacked, why don't the rest of us attend Pro-Steve Kean rallies with even more amateurish banners to sing songs about his extensive achievements...erm, or just sing his name over and over again.

Sepp Blatter photographed at Silvio Berlusconi 'Bunga Bunga' party - They say opposites attract, well this would be a prime example...one of the worlds most popular politicians (purely based on his "extra curricular" activities than actual policy/running of the country) and the universally hated (if the universe consisted of England) football official.  Teflon Sepp has survived every scandal and accusation of misconduct and somehow still gets re-elected as FIFA president.  Maybe being seen at one of Silvio's famous 'Bunga Bunga' parties would be the final straw, obviously the initial photo of Sepp in his speedo surrounded by young ladies of the night would be a potentially scarring experience, but the photos to accompany the inevitable FIFA statement defending his actions would be priceless...I'm thinking Sepp ironing while his wife sits and watches TV in the background, Sepp on his hands and knees scrubbing a floor and of course, Sepp playing football in shorter shorts and tighter tops (since this was his suggestion on how to make womens football more appealing).

Mario Balotelli keeps being Mario Balotelli.  Gary Lineker admitted on Match of the Day the Super Mario was fast becoming one of his favourite players, and who am I to disagree with Gary Winston Lineker!?  Whilst obviously a gifted footballer when he wants to be, its Mario's off the field antics that have kept me entertained...granted we're in the position now were every most of the stories aren't true, but the brilliant thing is, a little piece of you believes that Super Mario could feasibly have done it.  My top stories from the last year are obviously the firework debacle, and also the rumour that when his mother came to visit, she was so disgusted by the state of his house that she sent him shopping to buy cleaning products only for Mario to appear a few hours later with a John Lewis van filled with anything other than cleaning products and allegedly including a trampoline.

Mounting tension between Souness and Gullit boils over live on TV.  Sick of having to listen to yet more drivel from the mouth of Souness, Ruud Gullit finally snaps and puts him in his place.  Obviously Souness won't take this lying down, and points out to Gullit his achievements in the game before asking "what have you done Ruud?" prompting Gullit to smile, laugh and then get all Frank Rijkard on his Rudi Voller ass.  Que bedlam as the two scuffle infront of a bemused Geoff Stelling with Gary Neville trying to "pull them apart" whilst looking suspiciously like he too is putting the boot in on Souness.  In the aftermath Souness signs a new contract with ITV for their Euro Championship and turns up for his first show only to be sat next to Edgar Davids...unfortunately for Souness, Edgar could be described as having a somewhat shorter fuse the Ruud Gullit...the whole episode then ends up being parodied for the rest of time on YouTube.

We can all dream can't we, oh, and obviously a promotion would be nice next year, maybe a cup run and a trip to Old Trafford...but thats just not realistic now is it...

The Paper Mache XI

The festive season is full of cheer and goodwill to all men, so what better time to take a look at those talented players who are more acquainted with the physio room than the pitch.  We've all suffered the odd 'twinge' every now and then, dead legs, pulled muscles or the dreaded cramp...but for some reason, some players are just more susceptible to injuries, is it genetic or technique deficiency that leads to these injuries...or just plain bad luck?

Whatever the reason, here is my homage to the greatest team that you'd never get on a pitch;

GK - Chris Kirkland.  Undoubtedly talented, but also famously injury prone.  Once touted as a future Engalnd No.1 until a string of injuries have all but ground his career to a halt.  Back problems, knee problems, dislocated finger, concussions to name but a few.

DEF- Jonathan Woodgate.  In an era where English football was churning out some of the best centre-halves in the world, Woodgate was amongst the best.  Combined transfer fee's of approx. £35million over the course of his career, but only 8 England caps tell the story.  His transfer to Real Madrid often appears in "Worst Transfer" lists, but a debut including scoring an own goal and getting sent off but still receiving a standing ovation from the Real Madrid fans tell you all you need to know about him.

DEF - John Mensah.  A natural defender, the big Ghanaian was never blessed with electric pace, but with impeccable positioning and timing, big John never really needs to be quick.  A look down his list of clubs paints a picture of a journeyman player, however regular appearances in the Ligue 1 team of the year show how good a player he is.  Injuries have caught up with him in recent years and Sunderland fans will no doubt be cursing that fact.

DEF - Ledley King.  What can you say about Ledley King that hasn't already been said a thousand times before?  Arguable a better defender than JT, who if fully fit would have given every England manager for the last 5 years a selection headache.  The measure of the man is that he has no cartilage in his knee, can't train, can only manage one game a week but is still the club captain of Spurs and was called up to the provisional World Cup squad in 2010.  Its not just his knees though, recently groin and fashionable metatarsal injuries have added to problems.  Honestly though, still one of my favourite defenders in Premier League history.

MID - Kieron Dyer.  Candidate for unluckiest man of the team-sheet.  Hamstring and groin problems blighted his early career, the standard injury for a nippy winger, but in recent years broken legs and a freak eye injury in training have restricted him to just 64 appearances since the start of the 2005/06 season.  No matter how injury-prone he is, the decision by West Ham co-owner David Sullivan to publicly suggest he should retire is despicable and shows what kind of person Sullivan is (if the fact that he's a porn mogul wasn't giving you a hint).

MID - Jimmy Bullard.  When Jimmy Bullard lined up for Wigan in their inaugural season in the Premier League he was a breath of fresh air.  Finally here was a premiership star who loved playing football and showed it.  Entertaining and hardworking and a bit of a joker behind the scenes (when the floodlights failed mid-way through a Wigan game, Bullard dribbled the ball from the edge of the Wigan box round a number of opposition players the full length of the pitch before thumping a strike over the bar).  Numerous knee injuries have since blighted the career of one of the most entertaining players in recent years...he could hit a free kick too.

MID - Darren Anderton.  Much like Ledley King, there isn't much to say that hasn't already been said.  Never the most athletic player, but had the technical ability that meant it didn't matter.  Will be a hero at Bournemouth for the rest of his days though.

MID - Stephen Appiah.  An absolute legend wherever he has played and even more so in his native Ghana.  Injury and contract issues have stalled his career in recent years, 15 games for Cesena last season Stephen is currently unattached despite rumours of him training with Spurs in recent times.

MID - Arjen Robben.  Injured at Chelsea, injured at Real Madrid, immense at Bayern Munich.  Still not completely fit, but undoubtedly would be up there in any list of the best players in the world if he could convince the world that he is fit.  A rare breed of a lighting quick winger with an end product.

FWD - Dean Ashton.  Widely described as an "old fashioned number 9", but Dean Ashton was far better than that.  Scored goals in struggling teams despite struggling to get himself 100% fit, a training ground challenge whilst on England duty in 2006 broke his ankle, from which he never recovered and forced him into retirement in 2009

FWD - Ronaldo.  The original (and still the best) Ronaldo.  Scored a bag full of goals at every club he went to.  Many people wrote big Ron off after serious knee injuries at Inter Milan, but he was back to his mercurial best at the 2002 World Cup, earning him a move to Real Madrid.  Further injuries and weight issues meant that Fabio Capello offloaded the striker to AC Milan, in February 2008 Ronaldo again ruptured the ligaments in his knee, causing the opposition goalkeeper at the time to say it sounded like a gun going off when the ligament snapped.  Ronaldo was beside himself in the dressing room, knowing only too well what had happened to his knee, a few false starts in Brazil were finally ended in February 2011 when he announced his decision to retire.  The game will never be the same.

Subs - Owen Hargreaves, Jamie Redknapp, Michael Owen, Michael Bridges, Tomas Rosicky

Top Premier League Goals - On the 20,000 goal bandwagon

It all started with Brian Deane and 19,999 goals later Marc Albrighton  struck the 20,000th goal of the Premier League...now inevitably the media will be rife with the top Premier League goals of all time...so who am I to buck the trend.

I've taken a quick straw pole survey from the more knowledgeable football minds amongst my friends to find out what each persons top 3 goals are and then collate them here for everyone to enjoy.  The beauty of being the age that I am, with all the people I asked being a similar age, is that we are old enough to remember the majority of the Premier League, but also young enough to have spent many an hour trying to recreate those finest finishes in the park and playgrounds growing up.  The only thing I would say about this list is that there will be no Dennis Bergkamp vs Newcastle...mainly because I am still not convinced that he meant to do it, whilst I know this will cause outrage amongst the Arsenal fans that is just the way the cookie crumbles...deal with it.

So, in no particular order;

• Matthew Le Tissier  - Southampton vs Newcastle United
• Matthew Le Tissier - Southampton vs Blackburn Rovers
• Matthew Le Tissier - Southampton vs Arsenal
• Eric Cantona - Manchester United vs Sunderland
• Alan Shearer - Newcastle United vs Everton
• Tony Yeboah - Leeds United vs Wimbledon
• Tony Yeboah - Leeds United vs Liverpool
• Wayne Rooney - Manchester United vs Manchester City
• Paolo Di Canio - West Ham United vs Wimbledon
• Scott Parker - West Ham United vs Liverpool
• Gareth Bale - Tottenham vs Stoke City
• Robin Van Persie - Arsenal vs Everton
• Paul Scholes - Manchester United vs Bradford City
• Dietmar Hamann - Liverpool vs Portsmouth
• Steven Gerrard - Liverpool vs Middlesbrough
• Glen Johnson - Portsmouth vs Hull City
• Cristiano Ronaldo - Manchester United vs Portsmouth
• Wayne Rooney - Manchester United vs Newcastle United
• Freddy Kanoute - Tottenham vs Everton
• Philippe Albert - Newcastle United vs Manchester United

There we have it...no bells, no whistles, just good old fashioned long range screamers...and one sentimental effort from Le Tissier.

Thanks to everyone who helped track down these goals.

The Harry Redknapp School of Mathematics - Part 2

After a busy weekend masterminding a 1-0 win over Sunderland, 'Arry turns up for class in a buoyant mood ready to impart yet more of his special knowledge.

Lesson #2 -Harry on Averages and Quartiles

'Arry opens the lesson with a quick test..."You go in at half-time, 0-2 at home to the team currently propping up the table.  When interviewed by Garth Crooks after the game and he questions you about the first half performance, do you describe the performance as a) Shocking; b) Average or c) Top Notch?"

The answer of course is B...average...for you see, 'Arry has a very different definition of the word average to you and me.  To anyone else, you would feel that losing 2-0 at home to bottom of the league would be a fairly poor performance, but 'Arry is a glass half full kind of guy, and he has his own system for defining averages and quartiles.

First Quartile - Usually defined as;

lower quartile = cuts off lowest 25% of data

...but not so in the Harry Redknapp school, players deemed to be in the first quartile is called 'average', 'Arry doesn't sign rubbish players, so even in training drills the worst his players are is 'average'.  For example, Davor Suker was average when he played for West Ham.

Second Quartile - Usually defined as;

median = cuts data set in half

These are players who in Harry's eyes are 'top players' these are your bog standard Premier League players, your Dave Jones, Ronnie Stam or Gary Caldwell (can you tell I'm watching Wigan v Liverpool).  This is quite a sly one on 'Arrys part, since it gives the players illusions of grandeur, making them feel like they can stroke the ball across the turf with the best of them...only to under-hit a pass and let Jermain Defoe et al in to score.

Now things get a bit sketchy again with the 'Arry system.  From 'Top Players', the next step up is 'Top, Top Players'.  This accolade is reserved for those Tottenham regulars who poor 'Arry is desperate to keep hold of during the transfer window...Gareth Bale, Luka Modric etc.  By describing these as 'Top, Top Players' 'Arry secretly is adding £7.5m per 'Top' onto the value of the player, so not only is he re-iterating the importance of the players to the team, he is inflating prices.

The upper echelons of the footballing ranks have one more level to get to, those who are in the 'Top, Top, Top Player' category...these are reserved for non-Spurs players, but players who 'Arry would soon like to be Spurs players.  Top. top, top is the ultimate form of media flattery utterance to pass the lips of 'Arry.

Be careful with the use of these terms, they are very contagious and very probably hereditary if you ever take notice of what Jamie Redknapp is spewing out during his punditry work (in between talking about Frank).

A nice simple lesson today for you...lets see how many of you will be 'Top, Top, Top' students after the quiz.

Goal of the week

Despite the truly epic nature of 'that' own goal, I wouldn't feel right bestowing the great honour of Goal of the Week on the young lad...although having a penchant for an own goal myself I do appreciate the skill it takes to pull off such a maneuver...that coupled with the below par standard of the efforts from around the globe did make it tempting.

This weeks goal of the week comes from the Mickey Mouse league otherwise known as the SPL and this thunderbolt from James Dayton...pick that out!

A little more football vocab for beginners

Football has become vastly more accessible on TV in recent years, the Sky Sports revolution has indeed revolutionised the way we watch football in the UK and the emergence of ESPN has only added to this.  Some weekends it would almost be possible to watch back to back live games for a whole weekend if you were to have a subscription to ESPN and Sky Sports along with a terrestrial offering from the BBC or ITV.

This has led to an increase in the amount of pundits and with that comes exposure to endless footballing cliche...some of these are used so readily that we are in danger of forgetting the true meaning of the words, particularly when we are describing the key attributes of various players.  We are fast becoming a nation of drones screaming a mixture of obscenities and cliches at the pitch from the stand or the TV screen from the pub/couch...

So here for your convenience are definitions of a few key terms to mix in with your swearing and make you a more refined 'connoisseur' for 90mins a week;

1. Utility Player - the universal term used by managers, pundits and fans alike to describe a player who can play in any position...mainly because he's not very good at any of them.  It is the grown up version of being given the 'Most Improved Player' award.  If you have ever been described as a utility player there is hope...Phil Neville was a utility player and he's got 6 Premier League winners medals, 3 FA Cups and a Champions League winners medal.
2. Terrier Like Midfielder - usually this will refer to a midfielder of small stature who enjoys nothing more that running around the pitch kicking people.  The kind of player who may not have the best range of passing, but it is not clear if this is a genuine lack of ability, or just because if they give the ball away they get to go and smash whoever intercepted it. (see Nicky Bailey).
3. Old Fashioned Number Nine - a little bit of a cross between a 'Utility Player' and a 'Terrier Like Midfielder', except this time they score goals.  Basically, this describes a striker who's major attributes are that they are big and erm...big. What these players lack in talent (and they do lack talent) they make up for sheer size and will to win.  Despite this, they are universally loved by fans because it is widely accepted that they would 'die for the shirt'. (see 'Big' John Parkin)
4. Enigmatic -*insert position*- - description used for a player who is crazy as a box of frogs.  Some days they will be brilliant, the next day they will be awful.  We have seen a rise in these in recent times, Adel Taraabt and Super Mario are just two plying their trade in the Premier League this season.  These guy's are almost as entertaining off the pitch as they are on it.
5. Likes a Tackle - doesn't necessarily like a tackle, a more accurate description would probably be 'likes to kick people, getting the ball is a bonus...plus it means I won't get booked'. (see Lee Cattermole)
6. Forwards Challenge - very similar to a player who 'likes a tackle', however, being a player carged with attacking intent, any bad challenge will be excused due to the fact its not their job...it doesn't matter that these are professional footballers, and in all honesty they should be able to tackle.  Paul Scholes has been the major exponent of these since the inception of the Premier League.
7. Committed - loosely translated as 'God loves a trier'...we all love watching a player who leaves nothing on the park at the end of a game, sometimes these guys will be sacrificed for their own safety, always give 100%.

The Harry Redknapp School of Mathematics - Part 1

I know that Harry Redknapp is a little bit marmite...some like him, some hate him.  Personally I spend most of my time in the like column, I think he's done an outstanding job at Spurs and he's generally good value for money when he's interviewed...I'm not totally convinced he's the right man to follow Capello, but we'll see.

Anyway, enough of getting side-tracked, Redknapp came out in the press earlier in the week to have a little moan about some of the decisions that didn't go his way against Stoke at the weekend, for the most part I happen to agree with him in so much that Spurs should probably have either been given a penalty, or when the ball the subsequently ended up in the net a few seconds later, that should have counted.  However I'm not totally sure that Harry was thinking quite straight when he suggested that if we had a ref in each half it would reduce the number of errors by 50%...

Either way, it got me thinking, imagine back to your school days...its nine minutes since the bell rang signalling the start of your Maths lesson, but joy upon joy, your teacher still hasn't turned up.  Already talk has turned to the mythical '10 minute rule' that was never actually a rule, but no-one cares, if the teacher isn't there in the first 10 minutes we're all going outside to play football.  You sit, anxiously watching the clock, only 30 seconds left now...21 seconds to go...almost Romeo done...and then the door opens and in walks substitute teacher for the day Harry Redknapp.  Now obviously this will not be a regular occurrence, but after briefly introducing himself and telling you "just call me 'Arry" he begins informs you that he will be here for the next four lessons imparting all his Mathematical knowledge into your fine minds, I hope you're making note, there will be a quiz at the end...

Lesson #1 - 'Arry on Fractions

The only fractions you need to know for the 'Arry Quiz are halves and thirds.  Now everyone knows its a game of two halves, but now for the postmodernist thinking that I imagine 'Arry to have in abundance...halves are divided into three sections, a first half, a second half and a half-time.

The first half comes first, in this half you will hope to "start well", "keep it tight", "hold onto the ball" and "make the opposition work".

The second half will be a bit more of an open affair where the requirements are to "pressure the opposition", "maybe nick something" and ultimately "be the better team".

Half time is the trickiest of the three halves, for this is when the real work happens.  If the first half is going your way, you can tell the team to "keep doing what you are doing" or that "you're proud of them".  In some exceptional circumstances you may even reward them with "I don't need to say anything", however this could also be deployed if the team are having a shocker along with "I want to see more effort" or "this isn't what we talked about".

'Arry also has a slightly different opinion on thirds, in that there are only two of them...the final third and the defensive third.  Despite being thirds, and so by definition are equal, 'Arry wants to get your little minds in postmodern overdrive again but explaining that the aim of thirds is to make more space in the final third and less space in the defensive third.  This is achieved by employing Redknapps First Law of Wide Men (oh yes, it appears that not only is he a substitute Maths teacher, he also dabbles in Physics too) which states the wide players should have "chalk on their boots" and allow the little man to drop off the big man to create more space for said big man in the final third.

Making less space in the defensive third is much easier...for this you just need "bodies in the way", a fairly simple concept of putting more people in a space make less space...

Not wanting to overexert you, 'Arry calls an end to the lesson and sets homework to watch Match of the Day and count how many halves you see.

Goal of the week

There was no need for me to trawl the internet this week looking for goals due to a certain Dutchman who scored a goal so good one friend, who is an Arsenal fan, claimed "it was so good I couldn't celebrate, I pretty much just made my c*m face".

Take a bow RVP.

I make no apologies for referencing the stock joke that has been doing the rounds since the events of Wednesday night which saw Man United eliminated from the Champions League, (if you haven't head it yet, don't worry, you're not missing out, but just think about the TV station the Europa League is broadcast here in the UK and a famous french perfume brand) but instead of jumping on the bandwagon, lets try to draw the positives.

Obviously, looking at the group when the draw was made, most people would expect last seasons beaten finalists to have progressed with ease.  The fact of the matter is though, they have looked laboured and lacking a little quality on the european stage, a lot of criticism has been leveled at the youngsters in the squad, but I think this is unfair...as the old adage goes, if you're good enough, you're old enough. United started in scintillating form this season with those same youngsters, prompting a number of them to be called into the England senior squad.  Whatever the reason behind the failure is, it is not for me to try and decipher, greater tactical minds than mine will have been trying to figure it out...but whats done is done, lets move on.

The old UEFA Cup was a prestigious competition but for some reason in recent times, English clubs have treated it as a second rate competition.  Even with two finalists in recent history, they had a habit of playing under-strength sides for their Thursday night jaunts across Europe.  But why?  Every other team plays a full team for every match, if you look at the Juventus side who were beaten by Fulham, that was the best team they could have played on the day...whilst it is not the Champions League, it is a European competition, a chance to play against teams with a different footballing culture in a competitive environment.  Whilst the winning of the competition itself may not win you any plaudits as a manager, surely exposing your team to high level European competition can only be a good thing?  Roberto Mancini's reaction to being eliminated from the Champions League on Wednesday was to state that they had done well for their first ever tournament...but they had regular European competition last season...so their players should at least have that experience under their belt, but Mancini insisted on playing his "squad" players in the tournament.  Spurs are guilty of the same this season, whilst giving youngsters experience on the big stage is important, for a team aspiring to be in the Champions League, wouldn't it be better to let your first team players understand how other cultures play?

The usual excuse is that it means the team plays on a Thursday and a Sunday...now I'm no mathematician, but isn't that the same break as a player playing on a Wednesday night and then again on Saturday?  Whilst teams like Stoke have struggled in the games directly after a Europa League game, maybe this is more of a commentary on the standard of Stoke, rather than player fatigue.

Maybe what the competition needs is Man United to drop into the competition and treat it seriously.  Too many competitions are being damaged by managers and clubs treating them as lesser, but if Man United are to take it seriously, it could go a long way to changing the way the competition is perceived in the England.  They have the players to be able to play two games in close succession, the youngsters in the side are fit and have energy to burn, plus they know that they are playing for their place in team and face the 'hairdryer' if they don't give 100%.  From a fans perspective, they always want to see their team win competitions...I still inform people of our win the Ibiza Cup pre-season tournament...

At the end of the day, footballers are paid to play football, footballers love playing football, any fan in the stand would give their right arm to be playing professional football, so I think they are more than capable of playing on a Thursday night and playing well.  Come on Fergie, this could be your only chance of silverware this season...unless you draw Man City in the next round...

Football boots...window to a player's soul

(Did you like what I did there, if only there was a little less thought in these blogs I could be a tabloid journo yet!)

I'm considering joining a new football team...I say considering for a few reasons; firstly the home pitch is over an hour away, secondly, its a work team which means indiscretions which were actively encouraged in other teams I have played for may adversely effect my work and lastly the last three competitive games I've played in have ended in two knee injuries, one torn groin and one mass brawl culminating in a supporter having her rib broken by the ref...so you could say there are anxiety issues.

What it does mean though, is that I am perfectly within my right to go out and purchase a new pair of football boots.  Not that I need the excuse to go out and buy a pair or even to peruse the latest offerings on the internet but its easier to justify the cost to myself if there is competitive football to be played.

Boots have always featured heavily in the life of a young footyfile blogger, like most people I know, I can still remember the first pair of football boots I ever had, they were a pair of Inter Genoa boots bought for the princely sum of £20 and given their debut in my competitive debut for my primary school.  Since then I have gone through countless boots, a pair of blue Patrick boots, red Patrick boots, the classic Puma Kings were the last addition to the collection, although recent years have seen an affinity for Lotto boots (seriously, if you've never tried a pair they are without doubt the most comfortable boot ever...its pretty much like your foot getting a hug from an incredibly gentle bear).  Its always a big event breaking a new pair in, but before we get there we must decide what footwear we will be donning, for what some people don't realise is, is the power of your boots.

I'm not talking all this science stuff that goes into boots nowadays (especially since it seems to mean that manufacturers can charge extortionate amounts), personally I don't really believe a lot of the hype...obviously if boots are lighter you may be able to run faster.  What I'm referring to is the statement your boots make about you as a person...from the man who has just picked up the pair on special offer to the man who cleans his boots with a toothbrush after each game, a lot can be gleaned from a pair of boots, as an opponent lining up on a Sunday morning, you know what to expect from the boots of the guy you're marking.

You have your standard types...the winger with the League 2 haircut and luminous boots who is going to be trying tricks all day long but only really using electric pace, however crossing, shooting and passing all seem a little bit beyond his capabilities (oh...and heading is a no-no, he might mess up his hair).  Similarly, the striker with a shaven head and lightweight boots, these won't be quite as bright as the wingers and probably will have hints of last weeks mud on them.  This striker will be a slightly trickier customer, he will have strength and vision to go with the tricks but he also has an even bigger ego and believes that Paul Scholes can tackle...woe betide any centre half who steps round him.

In terms of attacking flair, the only other boots to look out for come from the Adidas Predator wearer...loves a Hollywood pass, spraying balls across the park from all angles, however, like all good super heroes there is a weakness too, like Nigel Quashie, if it opens up they will take the shot on, be it from 20yrds or 40yrds...and more often than not it will end up in Row Z (fyi I'm not suggesting in any way shape or form that big Nigel was a) a talented passer of the ball or b) a superhero).

Defenders and central midfielders are a far more simpler breed, they enjoy a sturdy boot made for battle, something that won't spring open at the first sign of a 50-50 challenge, boots that lick their lips in anticipation if the opposition players gets fed a hospital ball.  For these guys, the metatarsal is not so much a brittle bone on the top of a foot, its a target on which to zero in the full impact of a set of studs.

The only players who throw the system are the full backs...mainly because your average defender is either a) a frustrated centre half who is too short or b) a frustrated winger who filled in one week to do a job and did so well they never got moved forwards again...you'll know which one your playing against when you either get skinned or lumped into the stand.

Boots are more than something just to wear, boots speak volumes about you as a player...so next time you're in the shop or searching the internet for your next purchase, just remember the golden rule...no one likes a player in pink boots.

Goal of the week

This week appears to have been overhead kick week in the wonderful world of football...however, as has been stated on this page many time before, just because its an overhead kick, doesn't mean its a wonder goal/goal of the week/season/decade contender.  The truth of the matter is most Sunday League players would fancy themselves to be able to knock in a bicycle kick if the chance presented itself, it is only truly beautiful when there is that magic moment when the player seems to hang in the air as the ball drops agonisingly slowly onto their boot before exploding into the net...any way, enough of that on to goal of the week.

This week I may have been a little swayed because of the player as much as the actual goal itself.  The goal comes from the Europa League for Besiktas against Maccabi Tel Aviv, it is the perfect execution of a volley utilising textbook technique to send the ball fizzing past the 'keeper who can all but wave at it on the way past.  The player who executes such a strike is Ricardo Quaresma, a man who has talent in abundance, but for some reason has never really shown it when he has moved to a big club, I've always enjoyed watching him play, and its mainly due to the knowledge that at any moment he could produce a moment of genius like this.

Pep Guardiola and the number five

The number five and Pep Guardiola have had a special relationship since he took charge of Barcelona in 2008, its not the amount of times that gushing pundits proclaim how "everyone talks about Xavi, but this little fella Andres Iniesta is as good, if not better"...we've all seen him play, we all know that arguably he is the better player of the two, you're not providing the insight you seem to think you are (its like Makelele syndrome all over again!).  Nor is it the amount of times in a day he claimed that he didn't believe in talking publicly about other clubs players, whilst then adding that he hoped Cesc would be a Barca player soon.

The number five is in fact one half of the second most common La Liga result...the other half being the '0' scored by the oppo, and this was before having thumped Levante 5-0 last night.  On the face of it, this seems like a good thing right?  Barcelona are undoubtedly a team packed full of attacking talent, more than capable of creating a hat full of chances almost on demand.  This attacking prowess is also their defensive strength, teams are so scared of what can happen to them if they over-commit against Pep's boys that they sit deep and hope that they get lucky on the break...despite what the pundits think, personally I wouldn't rate Valdes as one of the top ten 'keepers in the world, but that's a fight for another day.  But what does it say about the rest of the league...

Apart from Real Madrid (and perhaps Valencia this season), how many other Spanish teams are truly capable of mounting a serious title challenge?  To highlight the point, Levante currently sit fourth...

A lot of criticism gets leveled at the Premier League for lack of competition owing to there only having been four different winners since its inception, however, on any given weekend, any team is legitimately capable of winning.  This sounds like a pretty bold statement, and I'm sure that more than a couple of people will disagree completely...but at the end of the day, the biggest driver in football currently is money.  Those clubs with bigger budgets tend to do better because they can afford the biggest wages, but in the Premier League, the gulf between the teams is not insurmountable leaving the league ultimately competitive.

In Spain though, how many supporters would genuinely fancy themselves to come away from the Camp Nou with all three points, or even just the one.  The same goes for the Bernabeu, although Real Madrid do have a reputation of being a little bit temperamental every now and then.  The difference again is to do with the financial muscle each team has.  Whilst in the Premier League the TV money gets split evenly between the teams, the Spanish teams negotiate individual TV rights, understandably this results in Barca and Real Madrid getting the big bucks, whilst other teams are left struggling for the scraps from the top two's table.  This then means that Barca and Real can afford the biggest wages and attract the best players.

Obviously there are other factors, the Barca youth development system is second to none, although the Qatari system is closing fast, meaning that they have a ready made supply of Xavi's and Iniesta's ready to step into the breach...but on the face of it, the future does not look good for La Liga.  If the current trend is not bucked soon, La Liga could turn into the two horse race that the SPL is (if it hasn't already done so).  The two clubs have already been very vocal about the possibility of a Euro Elite League, mainly to avoid this lack of competition in the domestic league, but outside of the ECA, I can't see this being a very popular idea.

And the winner is...

Unfortunately this isn't one of those competitions that you'd particularly want to win, especially if you happen to be a Premier League manager.  The unfortunate winner of this years Premier League sack race is Steve Bruce, much to the delight of the bookies who have been taking obscene amounts of money on Steve Kean being the first to go.

For the majority of the season, the smart money has been on Steve Kean to be the first to go, but for once it does seem like the dreaded 'vote of confidence' from the owners is actually a vote of confidence for Steve (ps. sorry if that's the kiss of death and Steve Kean gets sacked imminently).  What has also worked in Steve Kean's favour has been the willingness of his players to work hard and fight for him...fair enough they've also shown a worrying lack of footballing ability, but god loves a trier.

Anyway, back to Steve Bruce, I do feel a little sorry for him.  Bruce led his Sunderland team to their best season since 2002 and their second highest ever finish in the Premier League, despite losing talismanic striker Darren Bent in January.  Then during the summer transfer window he lost Jordan Henderson to Liverpool and Asamoah Gyan to greed and struggled to bring in any recognised attacking quality (no, Niklas Bendtner is not qualtiy).  The additions of Kieran Westwood on a free transfer from Coventry and Connor Wickham for £8m from Ipswich were both shrewd bits of business, fighting off alleged interest from Celtic and Arsenal respectively to land the pair.  Obviously a record in the league this season of 11 points from 13 games, 2 wins, 5 draws and 6 losses isn't brilliant, but only the two Manchester clubs, Liverpool and Newcastle have conceded less goals this term.  Quite frankly, its amazing that it has taken until the last day of November for someone to get the sack, but I think it may have been a little premature.

Lets look at this pragmatically for a minute.  The nature of the league is that three unfortunate clubs are going to get relegated (despite the foreign owners of Premier League teams wanting to abolish this, either that is the most ridiculous idea every, or proof that the British public will indeed believe anything that appears on the BBC website!), obviously no-one wants it to be one of those teams, the number crunchers see the financial aspect of relegation, and the fans point to the lack of quality they'll be seeing on a weekly basis...but does it matter.  How many Boro fans stopped turning up when the team stopped playing well? How many Leeds fans turned up when they were relegated to League 1? The same question for Forest fans.  Compare this to Southampton, who got relegated, deducted 10 points and still all but pulled a full house in League 1.  Charlton are another example of the big club falling from grace, but still the fans turn up in their droves.  At the end of the day real fans will support their team no matter what league they are in, provided it gives value for money.  You can't charge Premier League prices for lower league football, I personally resent paying £25 to get into a League 1 game, but I still pay my money as many times as I can in a season to support my team.  If a manager loses the dressing room, that is a problem, if the manager loses games, that can be changed, instead of getting rid of him, why don't the owners and the board give them a chance?  If you get relegated, chances are you'll be best placed to bounce back up next season...and if you don't believe your team can beat anyone in the world, you may not be quite the fan you think you are.

The bookies (as usual) have already installed Martin O'Neil as the favourite to take over the job, although I'm sure the words Alan and Curbishley will soon find their way into the fray, but who else is out there?  A mate of mine did have a great celebrity spot in a lift today having been stood next to Sven, who is available at the moment, although I doubt the Sunderland pockets are deep enough for his wages...so who else, dare I suggest Steve McClaren for fear of getting horrifically abused by Sunderland fans?  How about Paul Ince or Mark Hughes...maybe Rafa Benitez (its a fact).  We'll have to wait and see.

So, who next for the sack? AVB? Steve Kean? Mick McCarthy is fairly heavily tipped by the bookies, but then again they've got Harry Redknapp at 16/1 to be sacked next...I'm fairly sure it would take something huge and bung shaped for that to happen.

A final word then, here's to hoping that Steve Bruce finds a new job soon, partly because he seems like a nice guy...but mostly so we can get this back...STEEEEEEEVVVEE BRUCE, HE'S GOT A BIG FAT HEAD, HE'S GOT A BIG FAT HEAD, HE'S GOT A BIG FAT HEAD...

Goal of the week

No nearly goals this week so we're straight into the meat of the top strike...this weeks effort comes from the German top flight courtesy of Hannover's Jan Schlaudraff, think Beckham-Scholes but potentially a little bit better...bang!

...better than Mendieta?

Goal scoring goalies

Its the last minute...you need a goal, from somewhere, anywhere, this is it, its all on the line...you win a corner, one last chance to toss it into the box...who knows, maybe you'll get lucky, maybe that donkey of a centre forward who couldn't hit a barn door all season will fall over in the box, make contact with the ball and send it flying into the top corner...but whats this you see out of the corner of your eye?  Your 'keeper is gesticulating wildly at the bench, you shoot a glance at the manager...there it is! There's the resigned wave of the arm, the permission for one of the most magical things in football to happen, the 'keeper is coming up for the corner...

Now, for the most part the next minute or so is a bit of an anti-climax, firstly we'll have a commentator telling us that "the manager will be hoping the big man will cause havoc in the box", then the obligatory close up of the "big man" causing "havoc" in the box followed by the corner being floated in, nowhere near the goalkeeper and the game peters out into nothingness.  But just occasionally that keeper will make himself a hero...

Obviously there are a couple of notable exceptions to this stereotype of 'keepers scoring, 'Chila' and Rogerio Cen.

Jose Luis Chilavert, the Paraguayan 'keeper affectionately known in Argentina and Paraguay as 'Chila', the man had a penchant for scoring goals.  During his career at in Paraguay and Argentina he chalked up 44 club goals including a hat-trick for Velez Sarsfield against Ferro Carril Oeste and scoring a free kick from the half way line against fallen Argentine giants River Plate.  Chila also had a fiery side, probably most famous incident was his brawl with Colombian legend Faustino Asprilla.  Amazingly he also scored 8 goals for his country, thats more than Robbie Fowler, Chris Waddle and big Emile have managed.

Rogerio Ceni is another South American phenomenon having famously played over 1000 first class games and having scored 103 goals...oh, and he's still going.  Ceni is officially the most prolific 'keeper ever, and all of his goal have come for his one and only club Sao Paulo, he has even outscored Paul Scholes...and if you hadn't heard, Paul Scholes scores goals.

Enough of these experienced goal scorers though, lets delve a little deeper into the rarer breed of goalscoring goalies.

Firstly a cheeky little effort from arguably the greatest goalkeeper of all time, Peter Schmeichel with an overhead kick scored against Wimbledon, but again Schmeichel had a habit of popping up with goals every now and then.

Paul Robinson also used to enjoy going forward, scoring this effort against Swindon for Leeds, along with a couple of others, and actually managed to cause enough of a nuisance last weekend to win a penalty against Wigan.

But the ultimate goalscoring goalie is one Jimmy Glass.  Jimmy was on the books at Swindon when he was shipped out to Carlisle United for the final 3 games of the 1998/99 season.  Carlisle were languishing at the bottom of the football league, battling it out for survival against Scarborough.  It had all come down to the last game of the season, a must win game against Plymouth Argyle.  After 90mins of play things were not looking good, at 1-1 Carlisle were going down, out of the league and probably out of business for good.  News had filtered through to the Scarborough fans that the scores were level at Brunton Park with only seconds left to play, and so they were on the pitch celebrating survival. As Carlisle pushed forward in numbers they managed to force a corner.  Cue Jimmy Glass gesticulating wildly at Carlisle boss Nigel Pearson who gave the 6ft 4 'keeper permission to amble forward into the box.

The corner is swung in...a Carlisle head meets the ball, the Plymouth 'keeper can only parry it out...and then...well, I'll let you watch this little video. 3,000 Cumbrians on top of Jimmy, 1 on the ref!

...and so now on to Goal of the Week

Sometimes it seems that acrobatic goals get the plaudits far too often, even when they're a bit ragged and a little bit lucky all at the same time.  Having said that, if it hadn't been for that pesky linesman, Osvaldo's acrobatic effort would have been goal of the week...but alas, the flag was up.

That has led me to this effort from the Dutch league from the wonderfully named Lex Immers...half porn start, half howitzer...BOOM!

You don't save those...

Almost goal of the week...

Sometimes life can be unfair...but next time you think you've been dealt a bad hand, or that life is going against you spare a thought for Roma's Osvaldo.

Possibly the best disallowed goal ever...and he wasn't even offside.

Just you and Carlton Palmer...

The modern footballer is more than just a player...they are a brand in themselves, and those at the top of the game cash in on their notoriety, even Lee Trundle had image rights for being rotund and scouse.  Whether its in a simple photo ad campaign, just being seen in the right gear, TV or in recent years virals from companies like Nike.

We all remember the old Nike adverts like The Mission (after which then led to schoolboys up and down the country trying 'the Davids flick'), the Brazil Airport ad from the 1998 World Cup or the more recent The Cage campaign and Joga Bonito and of course who can forget King Eric himself vanquishing the Devil, and they are entertaining.  I could easily sit and watch all of these on a loop and be still love it, but I wouldn't ever describe them as funny (with the exception of Louis Van Gaal reprimanding his team in The Mission "IT'S ROUNDER!!").  There is however a certain betting company though who aren't afraid of using footballers to promote their products and poke a little bit of fun at them, and in all fairness, the footballers themselves aren't afraid to be the butt of the jokes...I am of course talking about Paddy Power.

Now as much as I enjoyed the blind football advert and the more recent balloon adverts for me you can't beat the ad campaign they ran a couple of years ago using a few classic players...

Now if you needed a 90's footballer to promote a gambling firm, there are quite a few options, but for your options to lead you to one Bruce David Grobbelaar a man who was charged with match fixing, it either madness or genius.  Luckily for the folks over at Paddy Power the sight of Brucie popping out of a fridge in full 1980's Liverpool 'keeper kit and then disappear into the dishwasher is one of the greatest bits of telly ever, but unfortunately for yer man he'd been outshone by two others during the same campaign.

Step forward Desmond Sinclair Walker, 657 appearances, 1 goal...but one of the greatest defenders this country has ever produced...so imagine the surprise on for the young gent in this advert, when Desmond pops up on a coat hanger to give him  little refund...meeting a legend and free money, sounds like a winner...and to be honest Narnia aint got nothing on this wardrobe.  But Desmond only comes second in the greatest footballer adverts.

In possibly the greatest advert of all time..."isn't this nice, just you and Carlton Palmer having a bath".  Whichever genius came up with this one genuinely should be knighted or given an MBE at the very least.  In true marketing style there are two endings to this one...the original and the too hot for TV version.  Both are amazing, and still make me giggle...enjoy.

England v Spain - Half time view

Its approximately 18:01 and I've just finished watching the first half on England v Spain and all in all its gone a bit better than I would have expected. To be honest I had been meaning to a post about the game all week but just never go round to it...to sum up what my thoughts were going to be, basically if you look at the squads the England squad is looking a bit second rate, and this should be a routine victory for the Spaniards.

The possession stats will probably tell the same story, but having watched the first half, England have done remarkably well at being patient and restricting the Spanish chances.

Obviously its only half time, so I'm not going to start banging on about how well we may or may not have played, but at the moment the English midfield are looking fairly solid and disciplined.  The deployment of Phil Jones and Scott Parker in the  middle of the park has given the team a bit of steel, but Jones has also been one of the more promising attacking options, creating space in the middle of the park which is looking otherwise congested.

However, that shouldn't be his job...and at the risk of jumping on bandwagon about Frank Lampard, that should be the job of the attacking player in the midfield trio.  Darren Bent has been so isolated, and he needs a link man breaking out from the midfield when (eventually) England get the ball, someone with young legs and a good engine to keep going as a box-to-box player (how many cliches in a sentence!?) to get around him and provide support.  James Milner could do this job, but so far he has been ineffectual wide on the left, and this has led to Ashley Cole losing the ball on multiple occasions.

As an attacking force, England haven't turned up and seeing Downing coming on for Walcott at half-time doesn't seem like changing that.

Spain have done what Spain do...despite what the pundits and commentary team think, they've not been amazing, they've moved the ball sideways well, but have looked troubled when the English line pushes up and pressurises the team...and as ever, they have been masters of the "dark arts", tactical fouls, rolling around etc.

So, to summarise before the second half kicks off.  England as a defensive unit have done well and have resisted the temptation to over commit when they have the ball which would leave us open at the back.  But lets at least take a few chances, these are international standard players, professional athletes and should be able to get themselves back in position before Spain have passed them to death...we'll see...GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL....1-0 England, cracking set piece from "ineffectual" James Milner and scored by "not doing his job" Lampard...I'll just keep quiet next time...

Playing for the Shirt - Update

First there was no income tax...then there was no money back, no guarantee...but now those Fools and Horses are giving back...and giving back to the football world...and its epic.

Available with no name or number, 'Del Boy 1', 'Rodders 2' or my personal favourite 'Trigger 9'.  I can't help thinking they should have done a 'Dave 99'.

If you only see one goal from the last week

We have been spoilt in recent weeks with some cracking goals, and many of us thought it would go on forever...alas it wasn't to be, and this weeks offering from around the globe just don't quite stack up to recent weeks.

Having said that, don't turn your nose up at this weeks selection...the technique alone was enough to get me out of my chair with the standard incoherent vocalisation of my appreciation for the goal (its an emission something like an "ooh" but that seemed very camp when I typed it...incoherent vocalisation is much better...).  The technique in addition to the ball ending up in the top corner made this the stand out finish of the week...so take a bow Andy Johnson, for this goal in the Europa League against Wisla Krakow.

Premier Leagues most under capped players

In these times when international caps get given out like sweets, I've decided to have a look at 11 players who have played in the Premier League who have a criminally low amount of caps...no I don't mean Francis Jeffers and Michael Ricketts, I'm talking about the guys who are immense week in week out for their club sides, but for some reason just haven't ever made the step up to international level on a regular basis.

GK - Carlo Cudicini (0 caps).  In the pre-Cech era at Chelsea Carlo was arguably the best keeper in the league and with form that also saw him voted Chelsea's Fans Player of the Year in 2001/02.  Unfortunate to be an Italian 'keeper in the same era as Buffon...but I'm no England fan would have complained if he was to turn out for us.

DEF - Steve Bruce (0 caps).  As the song goes "Steve Bruce, he's got a big fat head, he's got a big fat head, he's got a big fat head"...but he's also got 3 Premier League winners medals, 3 FA cup winners medals, 1 League Cup and 1 European Cup Winners Cup winners medal along with being the first captain to complete an FA Cup and Premier League double and being voted into the Premier Leagues team of the decade in 2002.  Yet somehow Steve managed to turn out for England a grand total of zero times.

DEF - Ledley King (21 caps).  Ok, so 21 caps isn't too bad a tally, but when you look at the sheer talent big deadly Ledley possess it is a crime that he hasn't represented his country more than 21 times.  Pace, power, positioning and impeccable tackling technique if it weren't for his injury problems I think he would be first choice over Rio Ferdinand and John Terry.

DEF - Paul Parker (19 caps).  The best thing you could say about Paul Parker is that you very rarely noticed that he was on the pitch...and then he'd go on a foray forwards and whip a cross in for Eric Cantona to finish.  The original Mr.Consistency before G.Nev took over that mantle, along with his place in the Man.United and England team.

MID - David Ginola (17 caps).  Undoubtedly talented, but also liable to the odd meltdown.  Ginola's international career was all but ended during a qualifier for USA 1994 against Bulgaria.  With the scores level and France only needing a draw to qualify Ginola over hit a cross, from which Bulgaria went up the other end and scored and knocked France out of the tournament.  France manager Gerard Houllier blamed the failure on Ginola and he was branded the "assassin of french football".  Ginola was barracked by French fans during the following season prompting him to leave for England...for this we are forever thankful to the French, especially for moments like that goal against Barnsley.

MID - Danny Murphy (9 caps).  Another hugely talented footballer who maybe didn't get the chances he deserved because of his peers.  Made his debut for Crewe at the age of 16, before moving to Liverpool where he won the treble.  Great striker of a dead ball, always has space in the middle of the park and what a range of passing on the boy...just ask Fulham fans.

MID - Mikel Arteta (0 caps).  No-one epitomises being born in the wrong year more than Mikel.  I hope Mr and Mrs Arteta are happy with themselves for producing such a talent, but hang their heads in shame for not consulting with the Iniesta's and Hernandez's before having little Mikel.

MID - Paul Merson (21 caps). To say Paul Merson had some problems would be an understatement (playing a drinking and sleeping pill game with Gazza), but to see him in full flight with a ball at his feet was something else.  Maybe not the most graceful of players, but a legend at every club he played for.

MID - Matthew Le Tissier (8 caps).  Sure he may be "chunky", and he may have been a little bit lazy...but Matt Le Tissier is a one man highlight reel...he just didn't know how to score an average goal.  A true one club man, only ever missed one penalty, fittingly scored the last ever goal at The Dell and cited by Xavi as one of his childhood inspirations. "His talent was simply out of the norm. He could simply dribble past seven or eight players but without speed - he just walked past them. For me he was sensational"...I think I may just agree with Xavi.

FWD - 'Sir' Les Ferdinand MBE (17 caps).  'Sir' Les was the perfect number nine.  Strong, powerful, great finisher and unstoppable in the air.  Once again maybe didn't quite fulfill his potential at International level due to his contemporaries, despite giving up his number 9 shirt at Newcastle to allow Alan Shearer to take it and move to Newcastle, but 'Sir' Les will always be a hero at Loftus Road.

FWD - Kevin Philips (8 caps).  Almost single-handedly dragged Sunderland to their highest ever finish and one of the few Englishmen to finish a season with 30 goals...although he has now played for almost as many clubs as that.

FWD - Robbie Fowler (28).  The ultimate finisher, for my generation there has been no deadlier finisher in the Premier League, not blessed with physical assets but still was at the top of the game for many many years until a better standard of life called from down under.

Subs;

Jonathan Woodgate (8 caps). How many players score an own goal and get sent off on their debut and still get a standing ovation, and how many do it for Real Madrid.  Tells you all you need to know about the man.

Michael Bridges (0 caps).  Once one of the Premier Leagues hot properties, but a string of serious injuries led him down the leagues (much to the delight of Carlisle United fans) before a stint in Australia before he retired earlier in the year.

Scott Parker (9 caps).  Tenacious, hard working and can play a bit.  No more needs to be said.

Andrew Cole (15 caps). Once the most expensive player in the league, and well worth his price tag.

A chip off the old block

First we had;
Johann Cruyff - Amazing

Then we had;
Jordi Cruyff  - Had his moments, always did a job

And now we have Jesjua Angoy Cruyff, the 18 year old grandson of Johann who is currently on the books of Wigan having left Barcelona in the summer and who scored this stunner in the 81st minute in the Lancashire Cup against Preston North End...maybe a chip of the old family block.

Rubbish defending? brilliant Strikers? A bit of both?

One of the big talking points coming out of the Premier League fixtures at the weekend is the amount of goals that have been scored in the league so far this season....some writers and pundits have been attributing the shift to the quality of the strikers now plying their trade in the league whilst others have blamed it on poor defending...so now its time for my take on it.

There can be no argument with some of the statistics, after the first ten rounds of matches we've averaged 2.97 goals per game, this is the highest rate we've seen in the Premier League, you could argue that this has been skewed somewhat by the regular cricket scores which have cropped up this season...the 8-2's, 6-0's, 6-1's and 5-3's...but these have been frighteningly regular, are we seeing a shift in emphasis from the managers? Andre Villas-Boas has gone on record stating that he simply wants to outscore the opposition.

At half-time of the Chelsea vs Arsenal game on Saturday Gary Neville was genuinely angry and appalled by the frankly shocking defending being exhibited by both sides (I would call it schoolboy defending, but even schoolboys are better than this), after all these are for the most part international defenders making basic, basic errors.  Even John Terry is no longer looking like the man mountain he used to be, and as pointed out by Alan Hansen, it used to be the case that you could play anyone next to JT and it'd be fine, but now you have to make sure that its a quality defender alongside him to help out...what he then stopped short of saying was the David Luiz is not, and will never be the right man for that job (as good as his scissor kicks are, the boy is pony at defending...and penalties).  It does on occasion seem like the basic art of defending has been forgotten by the top pro's, simple things like marking and tackling seem to be beyond some, there are exceptions Steven Taylor and Fabio Coloccini have been outstanding for Newcastle and Ledley King is always a rock at the back (when he's fit).

But on the other hand, maybe its just that when they make a mistake the strikers on show are more talented and nine times out of ten they will punish you for the mistake...Sergio Aguero has undeniably been different class, Super Mario has equally been as good when he's not setting off fireworks in his bathroom and Wayne Rooney has found his form again (a little piece of me can't help but thinking it may be the hair).

Both of these are valid explanations for the increase in goals this season...but maybe its a bit more to do with a culture change within the league itself, maybe the public have become so drunk on watching Barcelona and Real Madrid playing their open attacking brand of football that the managers and players are starting to open up a bit.  Maybe the need to entertain has over taken the need to keep a clean sheet, and the need to keep the fans coming through the gates to see free flowing football is more important than basic defending as a team.

If any of these explanations were to hold true, then we can't really just look at the Premier League results.  One way of analysing how English clubs are performing is to compare the performances of the English teams in the Champions League over the first four group games this season compared to last.  So far this season the English teams have scored 27 goals and conceded a miserly 10 across the combined 16 games played by the four teams.  At this stage last season the four English teams had scored 44 goals and conceded 14 across the combined 16 games...hmmm, so defending is getting worse, strikers are getting better, but in Europe, English teams have scored less and conceded less...

I'm sure you've all made up your own mind about why there have been so many goals this season, all I know is I'm confused, but I am enjoying it...however, I would like to see some good old fashioned defending find its way back into the league, crunching tackles, towering headers, positioning and no-nonsense defending....BANG.

If you only see one goal from the last week

Slight change once again to the format of my only "regular" piece...basically I've decided that restricting the search to just the weekend means that you fine people are missing out on seeing some absolutely stonking strikes.

This weeks award goes to Rapid Vienna's Christopher Drazan with one straight from the training ground...finished off with a sublimely sweet strike...I love it when a plan comes together.

Honorable mentions also go to Denis Baris and Milan Petrzela for these long run and finishes.

My favourite Barcelona goals

Stemming from a conversation had in the pub a little while ago when the subject of our favourite goals scored by Barcelona which weren't scored in the last two 'Pep' years by Villa, Messi, Iniesta, Xavi etc etc I've decided to share my top five with the world via the medium of the www.

I'll be honest, I have found myself being increasingly anit-Barca in the last year or so...I hold my hands up and accept that in terms of technical ability they are different class, but why oh why does everyone have to rave about them so much...and this was a particular sore point when a TV show of the top 50 Barca champions league goals ever was basically focused on the Pep years...so to try and re-balance the universe and remind everyone that there was life before Pep, here are my favourite Barca goals;

• Ronaldo vs Alaves - the original Ronaldo with an amazing run from the half way line, holding off defenders and showing the electric pace he had pre-injury...what says it all is that when Messi scored a similar goal everyone immediately started trying to compare it to this.
• Ronald Koeman vs Sampdoria - its the Eurpean Cup final, Wembley Stadium, 0-0 and you get a free kick 30yrds out.  Do you a) Try and bend one over the wall into the top corner b) Realise you don't really fancy this one, the pressure is a little too much, so pretend to be talking to the bench or c) Step up and hit the ball with all the force of Thor's hammer into the bottom corner...if you're Ronald Koeman, there is only one answer to that...boom.
• Maradona vs Red Star Belgrade - like the Ronaldo goal above, a mazy dribble (would you expect anything less) followed by a delightfully delicate finish.  The man was a genius, Messi still has a long way to go.
• Rivaldo vs Valencia.  No words, just watch.

If you only see one goal from this weekend - 22-22/10/2011

Slightly belated this week, apologies, but I've been caught up in the excitement of the Carling Cup...or something like that...but let me assure you that this weeks belter is worth the wait.

We head across to the US of A for this weeks goal, and to the Houston Dynamo v LA Galaxy game.  After a bit of a scrappy play in the midfield, Houston Dynamo's Adam Moffat picks up the ball 35yrds out (the eagle eyed amongst you will say that he hits it from the 30yrd mark, but I would point out that the "touchdown" line is on the 6yrd box) and unleashes hell from his right boot...enjoy

You can make stats say anything you want...

...60% of people know that.

Stats in football are big business, companies like Prozone and Opta have made big money through providing in-depth analysis of player/team performance.  It is claimed that by using live stats as the game is being played has led to more than one manager making a substitution when a players performance has begun to drop.  The stats are also used as a safety net and can be used to show when a players performance is beginning to drop and potential injuries can be identified.

Obviously in the hands of the professionals these stats are vital and can provide a valuable insight into what is and isn't working, and also how the next opponents like to play...however, its is also made far far too easy for the media to get hold of useless facts, the classic being 'X haven't beaten Y for more than fifty years'...but if they've only had one game in the last fifty years that's not quite such an impressive stat, or even if they haven't actually ever played...for example, did you know that Accrington Stanley have not ever been beaten by Egyptian giants Zamalek in a competitive fixture, wow!

Sometimes though we the stats masters deal in half truths and spin...Opta's stat of the day for today was that Gervinho had a 100% pass completion rate against Stoke in his 66 minutes on the pitch...sounds pretty impressive, especially since Arsenal ended the game with 60% possession, the boy must have put in quite a shift and been popping off passes left, right and centre...however when you scratch the surface, you find that he in fact made a mere 22 passes during his 66 minutes...for those of you not of a mathematical persuasion, that's about a pass every 3 minutes...what was he doing for the rest of the time?  The criticism has already been leveled at him that perhaps he is a little bit greedy, and from the games I have seen him play this sounds about right, picking up the ball in a wide position, taking on two or three men and ending up in a blind alley or hitting a somewhat pathetic looking shot straight at the keeper.

At the end of the day I shouldn't complain too much, it doesn't do me any harm to fill my head with useless information, if I'm being honest it isn't going to be replacing anything I'll miss (as long as I can still remember all the words to the John Barnes rap I'll be fine)...but maybe instead of stats, commentators should have little crib sheets on each player that they can lift a pointless bit of trivia off when the teams are lining up in the tunnel. Nothing earth shattering, maybe just a little ditty like "Anderson has only ever used two facial expressions since the age of 7, angry and close to tears"....or just make it up.

Idiot of the week

Now occasionally we all think that an official has got a decision wrong, sometimes we have a little pop and then carry on with the game, sometimes people go a little further...but Maccabi Tel Aviv's Yoav Ziv has taken it a little too far...by kicking his boot at the linesman...cue inevitable red card...

If you only see one(or a few) goals from this week(end)

Ok...so for a "regular" segment to be changing format after only 2 weeks may seem a little bit odd...but to be honest I was only too happy to do it having perused the world wide web for goals over the last few days.

This week was the week free kicks...so here's a few of my favourites;

• Ronaldo v Denmark - a trademark free kick from the big fella...shame it couldn't help them qualify outright
• Ronaldinho v Mexico - one of my favourite players of all time...and can still play a bit
• Kim Kallstrom v Holland - pace, power and whip...textbook left footed strike from Kimmy
• Seb Larrson v Arsenal - Maybe its because of Tomas Rosicky walking away before its hit the back of the net because he know how well Larsson struck it...or maybe just because of the movement on the ball, it'd be a crime not to include it.
• RVP v Sunderland - I've included one, so I have to include the other just for the debate...but which is better?  Personally I'd back RVP...but I'll let you decide.

Highlights...what highlights?

Now, early on in the lifetime of the Footyfile blog I wrote a piece about Italian football and how it used to be good, then went a bit rubbish, and is now good again...I may have to revise that having looked at the results from today;

Atalanta Bergamo 0-0 Udinese
Cagliari 0-0 Siena
Cesena 0-0 Fiorentina
Chievo Verona 0-0 Juventus
Genoa 0-0 Lecce
Lazio 2-1 AS Roma
Novara 0-2 Bologna

So that would be 7 games played, 5 goals scored...at one point today (prior to the Rome derby) this stood at 6 games played, 5 goalless draws...I feel sorry for whoever presents the Italian equivalent of Match of the Day...poor b*stard.

2014 World Cup qualifying

Whilst last weekend say the end of the African Cup of Nations qualifying tournament and tonight marks the end of the Euro 2012 qualifiers some nations around the world are already in full World Cup mode.

The preliminary rounds were played earlier in the summer and threw up some big results...St.Lucia beating Aruba 5-4 on penalties having drawn 6-6 on aggregate...Montserrat being beaten 8-3 on aggregate by the relative might of Belize...Mongolia being turned over 2-1 on aggregate by Myanmar...the Philippines beating the Sri Lankans 5-1 over two legs...and in a genuine grudge match, the mighty Bengal Tigers from Bangladesh beating Pakistan 3-0 on aggregate, only to be beaten by Lebanon in the next round.

This has meant that the next round of qualifying in the America's (both North and South) has begun, along with the Asian section, and the African qualifying due to begin in November with big hitters such as George Weah's former team Liberia taking on Mauritius and the Seychelles taking on Kenya.

In the North American section Canada, Haiti, Guatemala, Panama, Guyana and El Salvador have all won their first three group games (just a quick note, USA, Mexico, Costa Rica, Honduras, Cuba and Jamaica haven't entered yet, all six teams have had a bye into the next round) with Canada and Haiti clocking up 7-0 wins against St.Lucia and US Virgin Islands respectively.  Amongst the Canadian scorers were Iain Hume and Simeon Jackson who are very well known in the English leagues.

Similarly in Asia, the Australians and Jordan have 100% records after three games, with former perennial qualifiers Saudi Arabia struggling with just two draws (with Oman and Thailand) from their opening three games.  Japan have made a strong start with 7 points from three games, including an 8-0 humping of Tajikistan.

Just one game so far in the South American section, and obviously with Brazil having qualified already as hosts, its no surprise to see Argentina sitting on top of the rankings, I wouldn't be expecting to see them shifted from top spot for the next two years, Copa America Champions from the summer Uruguay beat Bolivia and Peru made a winning start by beating Copa America Finalists Paraguay.

And in case you think I'm forgetting the Oceanic region, the first round of their tournament is to be a mini league featuring American Samoa (203), Cook Islands (197), Samoa (203) and Tonga (201)...the number in brackets shows the FIFA ranking...203 puts you bottom of the FIFA rankings...anybody got a Cook Island passport I could borrow? Might be a nice little holiday with a bit of World Cup experience...

If you only see one goal from this weekend - 08-09/10/11

Get up offa that thing!

Once the name of the hardest working man in music, and now the name of the second ever  "one goal" winner, this weekends award goes to Gold Coast United's James Brown for this effort against Wellington Phoenix.   A little jink inside the opposition player followed by a wonderful dipping drive into the top corner...take a now son!

I feel good!

For years the big sports brands have been battling over innovative football boots.  We have been fed information about ultra lightweight synthetic boots, comfort of natural leather, precision passing through groves and ridges, stud configuration, power enhancing boots...the list goes on.  Every manufacturer is locked in a battle to give the consumer and the modern player that edge to keep them ahead of the competition...or at least that's what they want us to think.

The football boot technology fad started in earnest back in the mid-nineties with the release of the original Adidas Predator and since then we have gone through lace-less boots, and many many versions of the "lightest boots in the world".  Most of the time I don't take much notice of what the boots claim to do, the important thing is they look good and do the job I want them for.  That is until now...on the 29th September Adidas announced the release of the F50 adizero boot with micoach, the worlds first smart boot.

Adidas originally developed the micoach technology for use in their running trainers, using a small sensor in the sole of the trainer to feed back speed and distance.  The top brass have now decided that they can transfer this to the world of football.  The F50 adizero has been made with a similar sensor in the sole which monitors and stores information on a players speed (top and average), number of sprints, distance run and at what intensity.  The boot can then store the information in its internal memory for up to 7 hours, during which time you can transfer it to your PC or laptop and analyse your performance...and obviously at only 173g, they tick the obligatory ultra-lightweight Adidas boot.

But that's not it, the information taken off the boot (which can be done wireless-ly) can then be compared on the website against other players (including some young chap by the name of L.Messi) and the iPhone App will provide users with the ability to view their performance in an Avatar style football video game.

I don't know about anyone else, but I got just a little bit excited when I read about these boots...and that was before I read the Avatar bit.

The price tag is a hefty £245 and it isn't the best looking boot in the world.  The adizero is due for release on 2nd December 2011, looks like I need to start saving the pennies...and find a team to play for.

If you only see one goal from this weekend - 01-10-11

This is the first of a hopefully regular look at my favourite goal from the past weekends action.

The main reason for this is that I was actually at a game on Saturday afternoon and witnessed this goal myself.  Without a shadow of a doubt this is the best goal I have ever seen from the stands...step forward Carlisle United left-back Matty Robson.  Depending of what who you listen to this strike was a free kick from anywhere between 25yrds and 40yrds out, in actual fact I'd put it at around 30yrds.  The distance doesn't really matter, what is important is Matty stepped up and unleashed a swerving, dipping thunderbolt into the top corner with more than a little shade of Cristiano Ronaldo about it.  Unfortunately since this was a League 1 game there is only one camera angle of it, and it doesn't do the goal justice...but I'll let you all decide for yourselves (skip to 1:25).  Enjoy.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/15045341.stm

Playing for the shirt

In my younger days I used to love buying a football shirt or two, in recent years things such as rent, bills, travel and food have put somewhat of a dent into my shirt fund to such an extent that I've been limited to a mere 3 shirts in the last 12 months...disgraceful behavior I'm sure you'll agree.  At last count I was sitting on around 46 wearable shirts along with a few from my youth which despite my "slight" frame I'd probably still struggle to squeeze into.  None of these shirts are particularly rare, and the majority have been bought when on sale.

It doesn't really matter if its a fake, as long as its a "genuine fake" (as I was once informed in a market in Florence by a large gentleman trying to sell me a number of watches, all of which were comically fastened up his arm), I used to own a lovely fake Lazio shirt with 'Mancini 10' on the back, from back when Roberto was a mercurial player.

Whilst on one of my regular trawls through my sites of choice for shirt purchasing I felt the need to do another list...I know its a little bit of a "lazy" blog, but I'm just trying to share some of my passion, and I like to write a list...it puts the world to rights!

So, in no particular order, here are 10 of my favourite pieces;

1. Athletic Bilbao Away Shirt 07/08 - a lovely shirt which I searched for high and low and could not find anywhere...anyone with one who would like to donate to a good home...
2. England Away Shirt 1996 - this shirt splits people down the middle, like marmite, a love or hate thing.  Personally I love it.
3. Darth Vader Adidas Original - one of two Adidas Original shirts, the other was Luke Skywalker, but at the end of the day we'd all rather be Vader than Skywalker...Skywalker kissed his sister.
4. Tibet 11/12 Home shirt - if its good enough for the Dalai Llamas men, its good enough for me.
5. Palmeiras Third Kit 10/11 - ever since my youth team wore a lovely green and white number (if I had a picture it would be in the top 10) I've liked a green shirt, this is one of the best.
6. Palermo Home kit - real men wear pink...next.
7. Any Deportivo Wanka shirt - they say Wanka on them, thats enough for me.
8. Argentina Home Shirt 11/12 - now excuse me while I go wash my mouth out
9. St. Pauli Camouflage Shirt - I would put a picture up, but you wouldn't be able to see it...its camouflaged stupid.
10. Carlisle United Third kit 95-97 - I may be bias, but literally the best shirt ever.

The body beautiful

The modern elite professional footballer plying their trade in any of the top leagues in the world is an athlete.  They come in different shapes and sizes, but they are still, on the whole, finally tuned machines...quick, strong and have more energy than a well know battery operated bunny...not that type, the wholesome family type.  There have been a few exceptions to the rule gracing the Premier League in the last few years, players like Andy Reid, Benni McCarthy and Mido all carry a bit of timber, but it is noticeable that the further down the echelons of the football league and into non-league football you go, the athleticism starts to waver some what.

 Benni McCarthy shows off his new implants

We've no need to get into some homo-erotic worship of the elite players we see on a weekly basis, the muscular Cristiano Ronaldo, the short stocky Lionel Messi, the solid bulk of Wayne Rooney, nippy speed mechants like Lennon and Walcott or standard athletic build of a Mikel Arteta.  We all know what these guys look like, we know what their physical strengths and what they bring to their game.

So lets move on, down past the league structure, past the upper knockings of the non-league structure, past even the Saturday league teams who turn out for the preliminary rounds for the preliminary rounds of the preliminary rounds of the preliminary round of the FA Cup and to the standard bread and butter Sunday League teams that so many of us have "perfected" our trade playing in.  The basic few shapes remain the same...sometimes the proportions have just changed.  You still get your nippy winger type, usually the 17 year old kid playing his first season of adult football and being given a warm welcome by trundling middle aged full backs who love nothing more than putting 17 year olds firmly into Row Z.

Short and stocky make an appearance too, usually more horizontally affluent than Lionel Messi, but has the quick feet, touch and vision that show he used to be a good player before he found the sultry combination of beer and kebab.

My favourite will always be the rotund centre half, usually called John or Keith.  John will always turn up drunk/hungover from the night before, his first port of call will be to turn the changing rooms into a biohazard area swiftly followed by a rousing call to arms for the rest of the team before spending a full 90mins trundling between goal line and half-way line(the opposition half yields no reward for yer man) leaving stud marks in anything that moves...woe betide anyone silly enough to go past him with pace for it shall be the first and last time that happens on this fine morning.

John is the true face of Sunday League, and we're all glad he's on our team...you can keep your Messi and Ronaldo, we've got big John.

"I'd give it 5 minutes boys..."

For all you Italian fans

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, just desserts, karma, ying and yang...call it what you will, but Italian fans will no doubt be having a sly smile today at the news coming from across the pond that Ecuadorian ref Byron Moreno has been jailed for allegedly attempting to smuggle heroin into the USA.

For those who don't know who Moreno is, he's the guy that refereed the game between South Korea and Italy in the 2002 world cup during which he sent off Francesco Totti and disallowed a perfectly good Italian goal before the South Koreans went on to win 2-1 and knock the future champions out of the tournament.

Needless to say this isn't the first time Moreno has made the headlines (he was also banned for 20 games having added 12 minutes of added time onto the end of an Ecuadorian League game), but I think this could be one that doesn't end up on Question of Sport.

Merry-go-rounds

We've become all too used to the "managerial merry-go-round", to use the parlance of our time, and a sacking usually comes after the dreaded "vote of confidence", sometimes chairmen and owners are criticised for being to hasty with their decisions, other times its the fans who call for change.

In the modern game we see managers relieved of duties on such a regular basis we don't really bat an eye lid.  Sackings usually occur after a loss of form, the relegation of a team or lack of success; however this week saw the sacking (sorry "enforced gardening leave") of Sean O'Driscoll at Doncaster Rovers.  The fans had been calling for him to leave for the last few weeks having endured of run of 19 games without a victory.  Club owner John Ryan had publicly backed his manager earlier in the week saying "...who would you replace him with? Who is better?" before placing O'Driscoll on "gardening leave" on Friday and appointing Dean Saunders as his replacement.

The reason Ryan gave for the decision is not the usual blurb from one of the reasons above but instead he pointed to the injuries picked up by the players.  Ryan had become concerned that O'Driscoll couldn't get his squad fit and that there were too many injuries to key players saying "I've been worried that we've never been able to field our strongest eleven for months".

This doesn't seem like a real reason to me, most of the running of the playing side of the club is the managers remit, but isn't the fitness of the players is down to the medical staff.  Surely if the manager hasn't had his first choice eleven at his disposal for months he can't be expected to be that successful without further backing from the chief, which wasn't particularly forthcoming, especially for a man who took Doncaster to the Championship in the first place by beating Leeds in the play-off final in the 07/08 season and has subsequently kept them there.  The reason O'Driscoll lost his job was the poor run of form stretching back to last season, 19 games is a long time, especially across two seasons and most club owners would have given O'Driscoll the sack long ago, so why do we need the excuses?

Fantasy Football - Update 1

Now that I have successfully negotiated the opening weeks of the season and the ever tricky holiday with no internet access, maybe its time for a quick Fantasy football update.

At the risk of sounding like I'm gloating, its also convenient that this post also coincides with a fairly good run of form for the Balfour Warriors, leaving them sitting approximately 10,500th out of the 2.5million worldwide players and sitting pretty at the top of the private leagues my boys are competing in (albeit by a very narrow margin in one).  "But footyfile!", I hear you cry, "tell us how you did it", I'd love to say it was full of tactical nouse, in-depth analysis of each team, the predicted line-ups and wind conditions pitch side at the time of kick-off, but in all honesty I've just been a bit lucky.

The first week was a bit of a disaster and I fully took advantage of the extended "unlimited transfers" making 6 changes for week two, which didn't go much better, whilst the core of my team (Given, Richards, Smalling, Young and Rooney) were performing the early season running was a little bit of a mystery to me.  Sure enough week 3 saw the deployment of my Wildcard and a bucket load of changes followed.

Since then, things have picked up, a current front three of Rooney, Aguero and Adebayor has given my strikers a certain edge, and with Juan Mata and Ashley Young marshaling the midfield the defence has looked a little sparse.  Luckily for me though, goals have flowed freely so far this season, so clean sheet bonuses have not really been rife.

Still, whilst I'm doing fairly well I am taking quite an interest and its at that magical point where I'm trying to work out the best combination of results/scorers to ensure I extend a lead over my rivals...I'm sure the bubble will burst soon and I'll start to drift down the league and eventually lose interest...but what can I say, I'm a bad loser, I always have been, just ask anyone who's ever played football with me!